No longer Fear...but with Faith

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name may rejoice in you. - Psalm 5:11

I think that for many years I have been motivated by fear.  My fears have come packaged in many different shapes and sizes - fear of failure; fear of what others might say or do; fear of being without money; fear of loosing a friendship; fear of death even.  And, these fears dictated many life choices and led to many sleepless nights.

I was reminded on Sunday in our pastor's sermon that the angels came to tell everyone to "NOT be afraid."  The angel's first words to the shepherds were, "Do not be afraid!  I bring you great news!"  I sat in the pew realizing that so very often I have gotten caught up in the first part of this statement, "Don't be afraid!"  I failed to hear the second part...there is GOOD news!

During this time of transition from working part-time to becoming a full-time homemaker, I am often plagued by fears.  What will others think?  How do I answer that awful question, "What will you do with all of your free time?"  How will we pay our bills and provide for our "wants" as well as our needs?  Will I be "good enough" as just a mom?  As with any life change, the fears can lead to self-doubt and sleepless nights.  But, if I choose faith verses fear, there is GOOD news!

I believe that God has called me to take this step of leaving paid-church ministry to return home.  I believe that God has plans for me in this new role.  And, I choose faith that God will provide for me and my family. 

On Sunday afternoon, our family went sledding.  Our daughters agreed that they would rather not go.  When questioned, they pointed out that they loved going down the hill but hated the long walk back up.  I couldn't agree more!  I love the rush that comes from riding down the slopes but often find myself wishing for an escalator to ride my way back to the top.  However, it was on one of these treks to the top that Isaac reminded me of an important life lesson.  He pointed out that if you look down at your feet and just take one step at a time, you'll eventually get to the top of the hill.  And, you will most likely feel like you are getting their faster than keeping your eyes upward.

So, with this time of transition, I choose to watch my feet for a while.  I will take it one step at a time and be sure that the next step won't trip me up from the goal of getting to the top of the hill.  I choose faith that God will guide my path.  And, I am looking forward to each and every ride along the way!

Riding Shotgun For Santa

Brian wrote the following poem while serving in Iraq.  It seemed appropriate to share it this Christmas as part of our Christmas greeting.  Merry CHRISTmas to all!

Riding Shotgun For Santa

I locked and loaded my machine gun

762 in the tray.

Tonight I ride shotgun

In that slick red slay.

The elves have been working

All night and all day

To load all the presents

And the toys they have made.

I've checked all the deer.

Rudolph's nose is a GO.

I shined it myself

To make sure it would glow.

I pressed his uniform.

Then spit shined his boots.

Tonight old St. Nick

Is wearing BDU's.

He shaved his head

And cut off his beard.

I know what your thinking

"this all is too weird."

But tonight our mission

Is important and hard.

Chris Cringle and I

Have a manger to guard.

Joe and Mary are coming.

On a donkey she rides.

And we must be there

To guard by their side.

First to the presents

While the kids are asleep.

We land on their roofs

Down their chimneys we creep.

We place all the gifts

Under each tree.

No time for milk and cookies.

We'll eat MREs.

We work as a team.

It's much faster this way.

We did have to stop

To give the reindeer some hay.

Then we were off.

To Bethlehem far.

The inn is all full.

We must use the barn.

Now cover me Santa.

I'm going in.

So I count to three

And kick the door in.

Inside all we found

Was some livestock and hay.

We cleared out a manger

Here him we will lay.

Then we took our posts.

Me out front, Nick out back.

To protect this place

From a terrorist attack.

Then here they came.

Joe dead on his feet.

He was carrying Mary

As he walked down the street.

Joe's arms were tired

So I took her in mine.

The Mary looked up

And said "it is time."

I laid her down

On the hay on the floor.

Then Joseph took over

And I went back to the door.

At our posts we stood

All through the night.

Vigilant we were.

Ready to fight.

Then came the angles.

Reinforcements at last.

They came singing cadence

With loud trumpet blasts.

The Mary said "Come,

Take a knee by the manager.

All is secure.

We're no longer in danger."

As I knelt on the floor

With Nick at my left,

My heart began

To pound in my chest.

And, that's when I knew

The babe was my savior.

He would stop all the war.

He would save us from danger.

With Old Glory on right shoulder

The Red Bull on the other,

I took off my shirt

And gave it to his mother.

She swaddled him gently.

She wrapped him up tight

To keep out the cold

From the blistering night.

Nick and I took our places

At the door once again.

This time to greet guests

That soon would come in.

Come shepherds and wisemen

And everyone else.

Send word to your wife, Nick.

She should bring the elves.

Everyone should see

This glorious day

When our savior came

To earth here to stay.

Today God sent his son

For men of all kinds.

He'll die for our sins.

He'll pay all our fines.

I missed the memo...

I realize that in this modern day of e-mails, texts and facebook, we don't use "memos" in the traditional sense.  In a nostalgic way, I miss having that piece of paper waiting for me on my desk or in my box.  It was a tangible reminder of a change of plans or updated information.  Over the past week, I have found myself wishing that "life" had given me a few memos.  I am feeling like I must have missed a class, public announcement or e-mail to make me better equipped for the day to day life of Tobi.

To name just a few examples:

• I must have missed the memo...that the popular fashions currently in stores are designed for pencil-thin women who have not been blessed with the curves that pregnancy and a slowing metabolism of my 30s.  Who thought it would be flattering for me to wear a sweater that stretches to the middle of my thighs?  Do I really need an outfit that can hug my tummy, butt and thighs and show them off even more?  Furthermore, didn't the 80's have enough "fashion-fun" the first time around?  I don't remember looking back at school pictures from that era and thinking, "Wow.  I sure wish that I could have that outfit back."  Nay-nay, my friend. 
• I must have missed the memo...that said life doesn't have to be made up of simply my "to-do" list and my "to-done" accomplishments.  I have come to realize that the better part of my last 10 years have been spent filling up every free moment with "busy work."  I don't know how to just "sit" and do nothing.  I can't even watch t.v. without folding clothes or cutting out coupons or drilling my poor husband with questions.  Although there is something to be said for multi-tasking, I think I may have taken it to the extreme.  My body and soul are weary.  It is time to learn to just "sit."
• I must have missed the memo...that said there is a fundraiser for EVERY (and I mean EVERY) activity that our children decide to get involved with.  I am fairly sure that we will run out of friends before we run out of items and services to sell. 
• I must have missed the memo...that said that there is never enough time to spend with friends and family.  Last weekend, the kids and I headed back to visit family and friends in Iowa.  We hadn't been back since Easter, and we were long overdue.  As I soaked up the love and attention of our family and friends, I was reminded of the song lyrics, "Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold."  I am so very blessed to have such loving parents, siblings and friends.  I want more time to share with all of them.  I know that I am a better person when I make the time to share with them.
• I must have missed the memo...that said meals should have all of the food groups present.  With our new and more chaotic schedule, eggo waffles are considered dinner.  Mac-n-cheese is suitable for breakfast.  And, my favorite, pizza is an excellent post-school snack.  The old days of a meat, veggie, starch and dairy is fading away.  My only solace is that we are still trying to eat at home as a family.  However, I sense a memo is being written...
• I must have missed the memo...that said life is still NOT fair.  Although my children say it with regularity, I guess I thought that life might become more "fair" as I got older.  However, I have been reminded with the arrival of union reps to Brian's distribution center two weeks ago, that life is seriously not fair.  People cheat.  People lie.  And, given the opportunity, there are people who will take advantage of the kindness of others.  With that in mind, I continue to try and be the person that God has called me to be...and, I take comfort that God is fair and just.  God will sort out the details...and, I will have faith that mean people will get theirs!  (Is that Christ-like?!?)

I think that the best news is that the internet is filled with experts that are more than willing to fill me in on everything from modifying fashions to fit my body shape to how to have a quick meal ready that will have all the food groups.  And, I am blessed with friends who will send me e-mail alerts on how to better my home with easy fix-it remedies from removing stains to seasoning my chili.  I plan to add that to my list of "to-dos" to research many of these areas in the near future.  However, until then, I am glad to know that I am still learning and adapting to life.  It is a sign that I am still growing, learning and thriving...and, that I am still very human.

Braindamaged...Continued

Okay.  Having written of my son's and daughter's ailing brains, I feel that it is only "fair" that I confess my own brain damage.  My parents both laughed at my last post...and, then, they each went on to:
(a) assure me that it will get worse before it gets better, and
(b) remind me that I, too, suffered from a similar fate.
This got me to thinking...maybe, I continue to suffer from teenage brain damage verse early-onset senility? 

I joke that I am practicing senility now so that when I have alzheimer's I will be "practiced" at it...and, it won't be as bad.  One of the things that I have learned in my short 36 years on the planet is that you have to laugh at your own shortcomings...or the real life crisises and failures of life may just ruin you.  I believe that being able to laugh at life is what got me through my own teen years, and I pray that I can pass that gift along to my children.  Partly so that I won't be the only one laughing at their brain damaged actions, partly so that they can keep life in healthy perspective. 

This past month has been a continual reminder of my own brain damage and the need to laugh at myself.  Some key examples:

• I washed the checks from last week's 1st Bible class.  Yup.  I did not clean out the pockets in my pants and discovered the freshly laundered checks in the dryer.  The good news is that the bank has experience with mangled checks.  I am curious if mine had the best smell, though. 
• If it isn't written down, it won't happen.  Hannah barely made it to Girl Scouts with her donations this week.  Fortunatly, I was reminded that Hannah needed to take donations by a friend or she would have gone without.  I must have read the e-mail from her troop leader.  However, I have absolutely NO memory of it.
• Caffeine-free Thursday...by accident.  Those of you who know (and love me) can appreciate that I have a "constant-drip" approach to my caffeine intake.  I start the day with a pot of coffee that I start at 5:15 and finish up before leaving the house at 8:05am.  For reasons that I couldn't explain, I was exhausted Thursday morning.  My entire morning in the office was fairly unproductive because my brain was just mush.  There was a marked "up-turn" in my productivity about 11:30am when I started my diet coke with lunch.  It wasn't until I arrived home and found my first mug of coffee untouched that the morning mush began to make a bit more sense. 

I would love to say that these are the only examples that I have to share, but that would be a lie.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have found myself with the fridge open, staring at the shelves and trying to figure out what I am looking for.  I prefer to believe that the increased number of times that I have gone upstairs only to have to go right back down empty-handed is simply a part of my new work-out program verses a further reflection of my own brain damage. 

I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone.  Brian came home last Tuesday at 5:30pm.  Not completely unusual, I guess.  However, we had decided that he was going to work late that day so that he could be home on Wednesday in time to teach confirmation at church.  Imagine his surprise to find us home and not waiting for him at church...especially, because in Brian's mind, it was Wednesday already.  Talk about wishing your week away...

So, my kids really don't stand a chance.  Both of their parents are still suffering brain damage from their teens (or early practice of senility)....and, we are their role models, guides and anchors to this world.  No wonder they are suffering symptoms of their own! 

Maybe a more real explanation of all this "brain damage" is that we are all human.  We make mistakes.  We take on more than we should and our brains simply are on overload.  There is more to do than time to do it...whether you are 9 1/2 or 36 1/2.  And, it is because of this human-ness (my own and my kids') that I need to practice grace and laughter. 

Two good quotes to remember (if my brain will cooperate):

• If you don't laugh, you weaken. - Ron Mohr (my dad)
• Keep the small stuff the small stuff...and, it is all small stuff. - My own translation of someone famous...if only I could remember who that is...

Brain Damage

Although I'm not sure how much of Bill Cosby's parenting advice I'd want to follow, these past few weeks have been best summed up in one of his comedy routine quotes:

It's BRAIN Damage!

Until this summer, I know that my two eldest children had fully functioning brains...or at least the signs were not as obvious that they were damaged.  Let me explain with a few recent examples:

Isaac is a fairly-typical eldest child.  There was a time that he could sit at our kitchen table on a Sunday evening, be told the schedule for the upcoming week, AND remember it through at least Thursday afternoon.  Whether it is the hormone surges that have shut down the brain or simply that my voice has become too monotonous for his delicate ears, Isaac is no longer able to retain much of anything it seems.

This became crystal clear on a Monday afternoon when Isaac came storming into the house after walking home from school.  Apparently, the run-down of the schedule (and his walking home from school verses walking) on Sunday evening, Monday morning and via text Monday afternoon did NOT clue him into the fact that I would not be picking him up from school.  He was furious that I would leave him to just figure it out and starve. 

Once we had a chance to debrief, Isaac was able to state quite clearly that I may have told him that he would be walking home.  But, he quickly blamed his ears for not letting the information into his brain.  Of course!  Other parents, I must warn you.  As you see the symptoms of brain damage in your own child, please know that frequently it is the ears that simply shut down.  This cannot be helped by the child...who is clearly distracted by whatever other voices, thoughts and feelings that are racing around inside their heads.  My voice cannot compete above that din...or the roar of a hungry stomach!

Additionally, for my fellow parents out there, I must note that the brain damage seems to be tied to Isaac's stomach.  The stomach is continually empty...therefore requiring constant nourishment.  Asking Isaac to walk all the way home without having something to eat beforehand really is equivalent to child abuse.  Don't you think?  Isaac does.  Therefore, I find that if I feed the boy at least every hour...sometimes the ears will thank me by letting some useful information pass into the brain.

I have continued to collect evidence of my son's brain damage.  Another example for the scientists would be a recent Tuesday afternoon.  Isaac has been in soccer for the entire month of September and into October.  He has had practices every week on Tuesdays and Thursdays evenings at 6:00.  Again, we went over the schedule of the calendar that HANGS ON THE KITCHEN WALL (please note, I do not hide his schedule from him...in case Isaac finds this a convenient excuse down the line....) on Sunday evening.  Tuesday morning, I reminded him of his practice that evening and again after school.  At 4:00, Isaac comes tearing up from the basement with half of his soccer uniform on his body and the other half in his hands.  He hollers that he is headed out to the driveway to meet Brian so he won't be late for practice.  I calmly remind him that his dad will be picking him up at 5:45 but he can wait in the driveway if he wants.  After the appropriate eye-roll, Isaac returned to the basement until dinner.  During dinner, Isaac was talking and slowly eating his dinner, I reminded him to hurry up because he needed to leave in about 5 minutes.  Isaac looked at me, totally serious, and said, "But, soccer isn't until 8:00pm...right?"

You see, my friends?!  Brain damage is slowly affecting the sanity of my entire household...because Emma is starting to show "the signs."  Just this evening, I told her in the kitchen to take her pile of stuff off the stairs and into her room.  After taking the 10 steps to the stairs, she managed to step OVER the pile and head to her room without a second thought.  Emma entered the bathroom to brush her teeth before bed tonight.  Left the bathroom without ever touching her toothbrush.  Brain damage.

As a faithful social scientist, I will continue journaling my observations for future generations (as well as my own therapist).  But, for now, I will simply strive to enjoy being redundant that comes for a parent at this stage of development for my pre-teens.  I understand from my friends with teens that this is simply the appetizer for what lies ahead...oh, goody!  More brain damage to come....

Never Forgotten

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of the death of two soldiers and friends in Brian's battalian while serving in Iraq.  We sat at dinner this evening trying to remember the timeline of how everything unfolded.  In just 4 years, so many details have already been forgotten...but, the emotions still remain strong and real.  Brian's pain at having lost friends is still as real today as it was then, although the sting has been softened by time.  My feelings of relief that it wasn't "my guy" and then the panic that it could have been is still real as well.

I joked with a friend, today, that I like to "reinvent" myself about every 2 - 3 years.  It was my glib explanation for the numerous jobs and hobbies I have held over the past 10 years.  However, even with each move or new introduction, I find that my identity as an army wife is one of the first things that I feel the need to share.  I find myself telling about the 3 deployments with pride.

I am so very proud of Brian and his service.  The sacrifice he has made both with the conditions and experiences overseas as well as missing the births of two of our children is huge!  There is a popular e-mail that has gone around that shows soldiers and their living/working conditions overseas and parallels that to life here in the USA.  The summation of the e-mail is that a soldier finds it hard to feel sympathy for the "average" person's complaints.  I think that rings true for Brian.  Although he would be the last person to say it, Brian is fed up hearing about long working days that are only 9 or 10 hours long.  He has gone days without sleep in order to accomplish a mission.  When Em complains about dinner, Brian states she should simply be glad for warm food.  Clearly, he has had enough MREs to last a lifetime!  There are the subtle (and obvious) ways that military life has change Brian...but, he is still ready to serve.  He'd go again if it were asked of him.  That dedication and passion is what I love about him.

I am so very proud of my children and their appreciation for their Dad's service and sacrifice.  You know you are a part of a military family when your children can name all the army vehicles, weapons and countries that have been a part of their Dad's missions.  But, it is also more than that.  Throughout the 4 years that Brian has been gone (over 3 deployments), they have felt the pain of a missing parent.  Isaac especially knows what it is like to have a dad gone for 1/2 of the first 6 years of your life.  But, he can tell you that his dad was over providing safety for those who couldn't protect themselves.  And, they are proud to have been their dad's cheerleader & support.  And, our kids get it - there are some things that are worth sacrificing and even some are worth dying for.

And, although an unpopular thing to say, I am proud of myself.  I took care of the "home front."  I was able to be more than a victim of a difficult situation...but, to be an advocate for my husband and other military families.  It is something that marks me as unique and a survivor.

With that said, there is another motive for sharing my identity as a military wife.  It is to remind others of the uncomfortable truth that I am the face of a military wife.  My children paid the price so that my husband could defend their freedom.  It isn't that anyone owes us anything.  My point is to bring this war into reality.  I hope by meeting me I can put feelings and emotions to the images that others merely experience through their newspapers or television sets.

When Brian was gone, I had the privileged to speak before a number of service organizations.  I would begin each time with the following:

"Each day, you have the choice whether to think about or even care that our nation is at war.  I do not have that luxury.  Each newscast is a personal update.  I wait to hear my husband's unit location, familiar city names or casualty updates.  Every phone call makes me stop and ponder who would be calling at this hour.  I open my e-mail praying that today might be the day I will hear from him and know he is okay.  Each time I pass his clothes in our closet, I am reminded that he is wearing fatigues that most likely need cleaning.  When I set the table, his seat remains empty and I worry that he won't take time to eat that day.  And, every night as I tuck our children into bed, I ache knowing that he isn't there to kiss their heads and I pray that he takes the time to rest his own head.

Unlike during WWII, we do not commit ourselves as a nation to sacrifice on behalf of our soldiers.  There are no freedom gardens or gas vouchers.  It is less than 5 percent of our nation's population and their families that are on the "front-lines."

I am reminded on this 4th anniversary of SFC Scott Nicely and Sgt Kampha Sourivong death in Iraq, not much has changed.  Our nation remains at war.  Soldiers and their families are still sacrificing for our nation.  But, for me, I have changed...but I have not forgotten. 

Living at the Speed of My Drying Rack

For the second time in a matter of weeks my dryer broke.  The timing always is bad to have something like an appliance "take a break."  But, the opportunity to wash my clothes and then actually wait to have them dry naturally gave me reason to pause.  When was the last time life actually moved at this pace? 

I have memories of my mom hanging laundry out to dry when I was growing up.  I think I actually tried to do it myself in the earlier years of our marriage.  But, the convenience of throwing those wet clothes into a dryer and having them soft and dry in less than an hour has truly been my drying method of choice.  Seriously, when it comes to underwear, you don't want that crisp, clean feel of line-dried clothes!

However, with the speeding up of modern conveniences, we have sped up our lives.  I can't remember the last time I slowed down and really thought about the task I was doing.  Because line-drying our clothes was new to me, it made me slow down.  As I would hang up the various types, sizes and textures of clothes, I found myself thinking about the different child or adult who wore that item.  Where did they wear it?  What did we do?  It gave me a reason to slow down.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't enjoy this task so much that I have decided to give up my dryer.  I think I actually may have freaked out the repairman with how incredibly excited I was to see him!  But, this slow down coupled with the anniversary of 9/11 has made me reconsider seriously the pace in which we are living life.

I think that today is an excellent day to start living at the speed of my drying rack....maybe we'll just go sit in the sun for a while...

My Questions...that I don't dare ACTUALLY Ask

I find that much of my parenting comes down to correctly determining what I should say and what I should NOT say. After a summer of quality time with our children, I have many questions that I've wanted and yearned to ask...but, have determined that they would either lead our children to more time in therapy or simply not earn a satisfactory response for me. Here's just a few from my list:

• Are you telling me that your God-given brain is unable to trigger a desire in you to CHANGE an EMPTY toilet-paper roll with a roll that actually HAS toilet paper? And, when did paper towels become a satisfactory substitute for you? Did that do you (or the toilet) any good?!?
• Why should I know where your stuff is? Isn't that the point of it being YOUR stuff?
• Is it really the best plan to simply stand where you are at and scream my name? I only have 2 or 3 places that I "hang-out" in our home. Would it kill you to visit the laundry room, kitchen and bathroom before hollering for me? I realize that it is easier to have me come to you...but, it can't be a pleasant reunion for you when I snap at you. Even a rat recognizes that negative reinforcement is something to avoid.
• Do you believe that I am listening to you when you begin talking to me WHILE I'm on the phone? Is there some type of magnet in your brain that goes off when the phone rings that makes you feel an uncontrollable need to talk to me right then? Maybe we need to work more on delayed gratification...
• You may believe that you are being sneaky...or clever even. But, could you for 2 seconds remember that I was once a child who also attempted to be sneaky and clever? I have anticipated your move (I hope) and don't even try to use those big eyes on me. Your busted...I am NOT as old and out of touch as you believe me to be!
• On that note, I realize that it is important to have a certain public appearance. But, do you have to tell me what to wear and how to behave when we might run into friends of yours? Just know that I will embarrass you. Consider it payback.
• Do you really have to "poke the bear" and excite your siblings with your annoying noises? If they tell you to stop touching them, couldn't you consider stopping? I realize that this question can be posed to all 4 children on separate occasions...but, "they did it first" is NOT an acceptable argument. Isn't it time to try something new? Remember, even rats learn that negative reinforcement isn't nearly as great as positive!

I realize that all parents have frustrations. And, I recognize that this is part of being human...and loving your kids. But, more than not, I find myself asking...."Really?!?"

Finding Peace

We have finally returned home for the last time from South Dakota. Prior to returning to Rapid City to pick up our repaired RV, I talked to Brian about the idea of heading to Niagra Falls next summer. Clearly, like childbirth, the painful memories of our journey faded and the good times were all that I remembered. So, naturally, I thought another family voyage next summer would be a "good thing."

Let me just say...after 10 hours to Rapid City on Saturday in a rental car and 14 hours on the return in an RV without air conditioning, I'm rethinking next summer's plans. Maybe that tent in the backyard with evening viewings from Animal Planet on the tv will be enough?!

The good news is that now we are at my folks' cabin in Northern Minnesota. As I drove here, I felt myself begin to decompress. The closer we got to Park Rapids, the more that I felt the pain/stress of the past two weeks fade away.

There is something about this place. I don't know if it the water or the trees or the beautiful blue sky that brings me a sense of peace. The clock looses its demanding tick and becomes more of a musical pulse. The singing birds and gentle breeze (sometimes gusts, if I am honest) takes the place of ringing phones and air conditioning. It is a place to simply enjoy my kids and the time that we have together...verses worrying if the piano is practices, rooms are clean or library books returned on time. There is peace.

Don't get me wrong. The kids still fight. There is still dinners to make and toys to clean up. But, there is peace. Peace of mind, spirit and soul.

I often wonder how I can have this "peace" amongst the daily grind of home. I know that prayer is key. But, it is also attitude...my attitude. I sleep better when I'm here. I feel stronger, happier, and healthier. Being here makes me grounded in the people that are most important to me...my children, husband and family. There are memories here...and moments that linger and I have the time to savor them.

From this place of peace, I pray that you may also have a place of peace. And, may you be nourished in that place for the storms and adventures that life continually offers.

The Saga Continues...

For those of you keeping track of the score:

RV - 3

Roeslercrew - 0

It seems that all of my prayers for patience are paying off?!? God provided us with many opportunities over the past week for me to practice patience. What a blessing?!? Sigh...



Let me retrace the past week highlights from the comfort of my air conditioned home (and 2 nights of sleep in my own bed):

First, I need to say for the record that our time actually in South Dakota was wonderful. The rental van was awesome and very reliable. This is a feature that I prefer in a vehicle (pointed note to RV from Hell here). We had a great time being tourists with the kids and Brian's dad and step-mom. Mt. Rushmore's lighting experience was great....along with the Reptile Gardens, Bear Country, and so much more. We had an awesome day hiking around Custer State Park. Of course, the kids may disagree that the actual hiking was all that fantastic. Apparently, 2 to 3 miles in the Black Hills has become "The Legend of How Mom Forced Us to Hike 23 Miles Up Hill...Both Ways." The children's feet have healed and seem to have recovered from their personal "Trail of Tears." The scenery and experiencing God's beautiful creation were truly a high point!

Second, I would like to go on record to say that the children remain very optimistic about their South Dakota vacation. Isaac even asked how we could possibly top this vacation next year. Too bad his question was met with hysterical laughter from his parents after they had been up for over 24 hours...and driving home a rental vehicle. Now to explain...

After leaving Rapid City on Friday morning, we made it ALL the way (about an hour) to Wall, South Dakota. The RV completely conned us by working beautifully for the entire drive. We were glowing with that post-vacation enthusiasm of a week well-spent, and decided to gas up the RV before stopping at Wall Drug. There was no reason to believe that this was the beginning of the RV Rebellion.

Brian got back into the RV after filling her tanks...and, the engine did not go voom...or click...or buzz...or hummmmmm. In short, the RV did nothing. And, proceeded to do nothing even with Brian's best coaxing (along with the helpful Conocco Station employees who really wanted their pumps freed back up). So, while Brian waited for the tow truck to arrive, the kids and I headed to Wall Drug to continue the tourist experience.

Side note: All tourist experiences are great for the first hour or two. But, even a well-advertised and exciting place like Wall Drug cannot entertain for 6 hours. I think the staff honestly believed we were either mystery shoppers or looking to move in!

Long story made a bit shorter, the wrecker had to wait for back-up to cut off the U-joint on the transmission to make the RV safe to tow because the bolts had rusted. This gave us the opportunity to split up on the ride back to Rapid City. My new best friends in South Dakota are interested in seeing me on the BMX track very soon. I just didn't have the energy or the heart to repeat myself in the loud pick-up truck and clear up the miscommunication. So, Jay is looking forward to returning to South Dakota to see me race...

When we arrived at the RV Dealership, the last service employee was pulling out of the lot for the weekend. I waved while the tears ran down my cheeks. Who am I to stop a guy from enjoying his weekend?! The salesman was helpful enough to tell me about the family-friendly attractions two exits up on the interstate. Clearly, he didn't grasp that the RV was being towed their for repairs and I was dropped off moments earlier by Cleatus and Bubba!

In the 100+ degree heat, we decided that we couldn't live in the parking lot of the RV Dealership and took pity on the kids by checking into the hotel (within walking distance, of course). The up side is that the hotel had rooms and was attached to a waterpark. The down side was that it wasn't exactly the price tag of the KOA, and we must have been quite the site walking in with our bags from the interstate.

By Saturday afternoon, we had rented a car and started our trek back to Minnesota knowing that we would have to return next weekend to pick-up the RV-from-Hell. At this point, I have a few parting thoughts of our current situation. One is that the RV clearly has had the last laugh. After hanging out with her friends over the weekend, she started right up for the repairman, today. I guess she just wanted time for herself, too!? The other is that I feel so very blessed to have a husband that handles crisis so beautifully while his wife shuts down into a grumpy, coma-like state. I am also blessed that we are financially able to afford to rent a car, hotel room and head back this next weekend to finally "finish" our vacation. And, lastly, I am blessed by a God who provides me with so many opportunities to practice patience and to laugh. It is good to be reminded not to take life seriously...for it is anything but!

More to come...just think of what a great screen play this would make?! Clark Griswold (National Lampoon) meets Robin Williams (RV) with a bit of Transformers thrown in....a classic in the making, I'm sure. It will at least be a classic vacation that the children will be recalling for years to come!

Did I Get The Wrong Number?

For almost 3 years now, I have felt that our family is missing someone or someones. I'm sure that there are those who think 4 kids are plenty...and they are in many ways. But, I still feel that there is plenty of love in our hearts for more children. Someone is missing...

Brian and I have talked about it. We've prayed about it. And, we've done our research. With four loving kiddos at home, we didn't feel that we could pursue foster care or adopting "hard-to-place" children. I went to information meetings and researched on-line. And, after even more prayer and lots of discussion, we felt that our best solution was to have my tubal ligation reversed this past January.

The procedure went smooth and the surgeon was very optimistic. I really thought this was an opportunity to fill the void that I felt in my heart and in our home. But, 8 months later, we are still not pregnant and I'm beginning to wonder if I misunderstood God's will in all of this.

With each passing month, I find myself going through tons of "self-talk" like:

• This will happen in God's time...be patient, Tobi. Have faith!
• Delight in the 4 beautiful children that God has blessed your life...and, be ready for whatever or whoever comes your way.

I also am haunted by the idea that maybe in all my prayers I didn't stop to actually listen. For them that know me, this won't be a surprise...but, I am better at talking than I am at listening. I know that this wouldn't be the first time that God's will was clear and I simply choose to ignore Him.

So...now what? If I did get the wrong number when lifting up my prayers...and, I misunderstood the message that I wanted to hear with what was/is God's will, then I need to "let go" and be alright with no pregnancy and new Roesler baby. And, it probably would be very healthy for me to "let go" of the idea that I really have any control of this situation at all. All of the urine tests these days to determine fertility and pregnancy really can lead to the false sense of control.

At this point, I know that I will continue to pray...pray for God's will. And, pray that I will listen to HIS will verses MINE. But, I also need to let go of the theory that I can control any of this...miracles remain miracles for a reason. I also need to simply live in this moment and at this time with my 4 beautiful children. God has a plan...and, I need to remember that I am along for the ride...

5 hours...and, a new outlook

I have had 5 hours and a hot shower since I wrote the following. It has cleared me up to better appreciate the comedy of events that has unfolded today and to truly appreciate my husband's leadership, calmness and consistency in spite of my drama. I still publish the following for your entertainment pleasure and another opportunity to thank my folks for giving me such a wonderful foundation for life...

Dear Mom and Dad –

It is with taking our trip to South Dakota that I have come to realize the sacrifice of time, energy and finances that you endured in order to provide me with family vacation experiences in my childhood. Although the memories are hazy, I have very fond memories of the bonding that came from voyages such as the one that we are currently undertaking to Mt. Rushmore.

I am fairly confident that the summer adventures we had were trials for you…whether it was the lack of modern conveniences like dvd players to entertain me and my siblings or the hideous suicidal bugs of Nerdstram Woods. But, as a child, these trials really didn’t register as a problem for me. They were just part of the vacation experience. It is in this light that I have hope that our children will look back at the past two days as a wonderful adventure…verses the vacation experience from @#(% that Brian and I feel it has become. Let me just highlight a few of the things that I have learned since Saturday morning when we began our voyage:

• Gas stations are only “empty” of other clients as long as you don’t need to be there with your RV and trailer making a very tight turn to reach the air. This might even be a new “Murphy’s Law.” Throughout the weekend, we have found gas stations practically without cars until we turn on the turn-signal to make our turn. Then, it is as though cars/motorcycles/RVs/semis from all over the planet are drawn to the same gas station. Is this an i-pod feature that Isaac has downloaded or some type of app that I wasn’t aware?!?
• When your gut tells you a trailer won’t hold the weight of your car, trust your gut and leave the trailer at home. We made it to the edge of town before Brian’s gut finally got the best of him and he pulled over to check the car trailer one more time. In short, not good. Brian took the car off the trailer and we limped back home to leave both the trailer and car in the driveway. So much for “being prepared” if something goes wrong with the RV.
• It is good to “be prepared” in case something goes wrong with the RV. According to our GPS, we should have arrived at the RV park last night at 8:00pm. It is now 9:15 on the following day…and we are about 200 miles out. Need I say more?! The good news is that we have the money to cover the cost of the new tire, and we aren’t in a big hurry. So, putting up with a failing fuel pump as we jerk along the back roads at 35 – 50 miles to our destination.
• If an attraction is advertised on more than 20 billboards in South Dakota, it is going to be over-rated…especially if you have to spend 5 hours there. Corn palace…well, it is a building dedicated to corn. I’m from Iowa. Is it really that big of a deal? Maybe I would appreciate it more if I was from Texas…but, Brian didn’t seem all that thrilled either. 1880 Town may have been awesome if it wasn’t actually filled with memorabilia from the movie, Dances with Wolves. The good news is that we were there long enough to have Jayden and Emma actually get to drive the mule cart. They have career options now that they didn’t think about prior to today. And, Hannah got her kitten fix playing with the inhabitants of one of the building in town.
• If you are going to get stranded in an RV, be sure to have a skillet and food. Apparently, they only ate breakfast and lunch at the diner in the 1880s, so we were blessed to have food on the hoof and could make our own breakfast in the RV. Now if we can only get the smell of bacon out of here…
• Lastly…we remain grateful that there is lemonade to be made from lemons…or at least we are trying. As I said, we are still 200 miles out and limping along…the children are still smiling . They are looking forward to the next “surprise” in our adventure. Brian and I continue to smile and say things like “I love you…” and “thank you.” And, we still have some money in the “fun” envelope to spend on things like fuel pumps and windshield wipers.

So, thank you for being calm when getting my frantic texts, Mom. Your right. This is the time to keep a healthy perspective and remember the “5 rule:”

1. Will this matter in 5 minutes?
2. Will this matter in 5 days?
3. Will this matter in 5 weeks?
4. Will this matter in 5 years?

In that vain…I will mention that the cattle hauler that pulled up next to us at the last 2-hour stop did stink and may have made Hannah a vegetarian for life. But, the smell left with the bacon cooking (and Hannah is still game to eat pig). That 5 minutes passed…and so will the next.
Thank you for gifting me the memories from my childhood to enter into this insanity of vacationing with my own family. And, may I curse (...I mean) bless my own children with the passion to suffer (...i mean bond) with their family through an adventure of their own someday.

Much Love,
TR

Family Camp - 2010

We have spent this weekend with 11 other families from Alleluia Lutheran out at Camp WAPO in Amery, WI. It has been a wonderful opportunity to share laughs and grow in faith together. I am amazed at how God's spirit has been so very present at all times throughout our weekend...from family devos to campfire worships to scavenger hunts to sharing our meals together. God has been here...and blessing our time with great memories and a spiritual mountain top experience to take home with us.

As the leader of these types of events, I am often nervous for weeks before they happen. I worry about how each game and activity will be received. I pray over the scripture choices, songs and even the movie choices. Yes! I obsess on every detail! Why? Because I simply fail to remember that I AM NOT ALONE. I have a great team of adults to plan with (and share the credit/blame). And, most importantly, I have God's guidance moving me forward...taking those leaps of faith to even entrust 3 year olds with shaving cream!

Tonight, after worship and s'mores, I had my "aha" moment for the weekend. It came in the stillness of simply singing praises and old camp songs with Brian and Rob (our Director of Worship & Music) on guitar. Families had begun heading back to their rooms and the stillness of night settled in. Jay in a rare moment of exhaustion snuggled in my lap as we rocked and sang the words that touched my soul:

Jesus loves me.

This I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong.

They are weak but he is strong.

Halleluiah....

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found.

Was blind but now I see.

Halleliah....

The words reached past my mind and into my heart. I was reminded that I was Jesus child. I was loved. And, I could see. Grace has brought me this far...and I belong to a God that is here.

A God who is present.

A God who is strong.

A God who is real.

And Time Flies....

Sporadic thoughts, tonight, friends...I am at camp with kids from church and decided to put down the thoughts in my head. It isn't perfect...but, it is here:

We only recently added a DVR to the workings of our home. I love that you can zoom through commercials and "sappy" parts (per the boys' request). It is this zooming sensation that struck me this weekend as I looked at our 4 kids. Time must have zoomed...because these beings are not little kids any more!


I cannot count the number of times I have heard "treasure these moments because they go by too fast" and variations on this theme. I can honestly say that when the children were newborn, 13 months, 3 years and 4 years of age, I was praying that they would move by more quickly! Between sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed by life, I simply could not imagine a time that didn't revolve around changing diapers, feedings and constantly being late for something! But, as with all things, life does change.


And, now I am struck at the changes in each of our children. Isaac has become this pre-teen with an awesome sense of humor. I am not sure when he and I became able to see eye-to-eye...and not figuratively. He can actually meet me eye for eye if I'm not standing up straight! Isaac has started to view life through his own lense of right and wrong. I know that it is just the beginning of my opinions and views being challenged...but, I still am in awe at his well-reasoned opinions.


I find myself staring at Emma. The music plays from Fiddler on the Roof....When did she get to be a beauty...when did he grow to be so tall...She still has braces and her mother's grace (which lead her mother to breaking her leg falling down the stairs and so many other "grace-filled moments"), but she carries herself as a pre-teen girl. Who is this youngster who can talk to me about the pros and cons of attending a new school using words like academic career and increased learning potential?

And, yet the irony remains that I don't feel old enough to be their mother. The mirror indicates otherwise, of course. There are age spots and the beginnings of wrinkles...not to mention gray hair...that has prevented me from being carded for over 15 years. But, I still feel like I'm 20 with the world ahead of me of conquer.

Maybe it is this irony that leads me to want to not only savor each moment with my children but also to have more children. On the one hand, I recognize that this moment with them is passing me by...the sounds of their voices, the way they look, or the activity we are sharing...it is all temporary. But, thank God I have these moments to treasure! And, on the other hand, I still have the energy and passion to expand our family and share our family with another little baby. It isn't nostalgia. I know that the moments and milestones that we have had with each of our children were and are unique and special. And, I cherish them...but, I still long for more.

So, tonight, as I head to bed, I pray this prayer of extreme faith: "Not my will but your will, Lord. Help me to cherish today and have the confidence that tomorrow will be filled with your blessings (and may I not fast forward through the best moments or just check out!). Amen."

An Old Lesson...Revisited

The girls and I headed to the pet store this afternoon. The purpose of the trip was to pick-up food items for our current houseful of pets...including crickets for the lizard. Since we had a bit of extra time, we headed over to the pet adoption area. Big mistake! The girls immediately fell in love with a gray kitten. Even though I had warned them before even entering this area of the store that (a) we would be getting NO new pets and (b) I loved their father and wanted to remain married so wouldn't be getting any new pets, both Hannah and Emma began their begging for a new kitten to add to our home.

I successfully got us out of the store without a kitten. I felt a bit guilty when I ended the final car conversation with the words, "you will have to convince your father to get a new kitten before I will even talk to you about it, again." In hindsight, this was another error in judgement for my afternoon. However, in the moment, I felt that neither girl would harass Brian because he is their dad and....well, he's their dad.

I don't think I had the car in park before both girls had launched up the driveway and into the house. I very slowly unloaded the car. Then, I raced into the house, dropped off the pet store goodies and back out to the garage for some cleaning time. I was hiding because in the short moments I had been in the house, I could already hear their begging and Brian's very firm "no." Thank God my husband is stronger than I am!

By dinner time, the girls had rethought their strategy. Kittens become a part of every conversation. We even had an interesting discovery by Hannah that the top of a pie at Perkins could look like the face of a kitten! It was during these final failed attempts that a memory flickered in the recesses of my brain. I had been here before. But, last time, I had been the beggar...

I think I was 13 years old. I had my mind set that I needed my very own pet to snuggle with...that would love me unconditionally, and I was determined to have a cat. My dad was very firm that his home had not and would not have a cat...that was that. I'm sure I began with a logical discussion and moved into begging without any success before coming up with my "move-dad-to-get-me-a-cat-plan." This plan was basically not to speak, smile or look at my father until I got my way.

I don't remember how long it was before I found a letter from my dad on my bed. Although I kept the letter for many years, I don't have it any longer. I do remember it said he loved me and that he was sad I was not talking to him. I think it said that he missed hearing about my day and seeing me smile but that he wouldn't be blackmailed into getting a cat.

I was shocked...and embarassed. I was called out for my behavior, but done so in love. I think that the letter said he wouldn't force me to talk to him or share my day, but that he hoped I would soon. And, in time, obviously, I did.

I am so very grateful that my dad didn't cave...although he did get me a puppy (but that is another blog in itself) at a later time. Clearly, he (and my mom) did an excellent job raising me! And, I think that it was because they allowed me to act out, but didn't hesitate to call me on it. There was unconditional love and boundaries. "No" meant "no." It was and it is a good thing!

So, tonight, my daughters went to bed with their hearts broken. There will be no new kitten at the Roesler household. However, I pray that this experience might be an important lesson in learning that there is unconditional love and boundaries in this home, too. And, it might just give them the upper hand when their daughter(s) desparately MUST have a kitten!

Lake Time...Family Time

What an awesome holiday weekend to share with the kids, Brian and my extended family! I was reminded throughout the weekend how incredibly important it is to laugh and relax TOGETHER!

Funny moments worthy of noting...

• I am no longer as young as my uncle and brother think I am. After my first "easy ride" around the lake, I decided that it was enough. I could still bend over, stand-up and raise my arms. This was a good time to "call it a day." However, when invited by my uncle to go on a relaxing ride at the end of the day, I found myself ready to give it another go. I was lured by phrases like "we will just be taking a tour of the lake;" "it will be an easy ride since the adults in the boat want to use this time to talk;" and "it will be a relaxing time for you, Trent and (cousin) Katie." Clearly, I lost my mind and actually believed that it would be all this and more. Visions of my sun bathed, size 4 body drifted through my head as I climbed onto the inflatable tub of death. I can honestly say that I don't think I have screamed so loud, laughed so hard and suffered with such joy in a long, long time! However, being the "more mature" woman that I am, I am still having a hard time using my arms for anything more than to fill out the sleeves in my shirt.


• My children bring me joy...both when they are awake and when they are asleep. I am not sure when the mind shift occurred over the past month, I began to look at my beautiful children as beings sent to suck the life out of me...one load of laundry at a time! This past weekend, I was reminded that the time I have with them really is a joy. There was still food to prepare (but far less to do as my mom is a rockstar!) and parenting that needed to be done. However, I realized that these "motherly duties" were once again a gift that I can give to my kids. It isn't an obligation that I have to view as such an awful, life-draining experience. Attitude truly is EVERYTHING. And, I am grateful that God gave me a few much-needed moments to realize that mine needed an overhaul!


• 
  
  My parents really do get wiser as I get older. I have a sign in my room that says

At the point a woman realizes that her mother really is
brillant, she has a
daughter who thinks she isn't.

Although, I am getting progressively out-of-style and dumber with each passing year as my children relentlessly march on towards their teenage years; the time I share with my parents helps to balance out the injustice their opinions can make me feel. They can share the memories of "You were just like Emma and...." or "See? You made it. They will also." And, the most treasured words to hear, "You are a great mom and have terrific children, Tobi. Hang in there!"

There is much more to share and photos that are sure to come. But for now, I will head upstairs to enjoy a much needed bath and good night sleep. I am continually amazed how vacation can leave me so fulfilled and exhausted at the same time!

Jay's Jeans....I mean GENES!

Recently, Jayden was having a rather rough evening. He had decided that he simply didn't want to be exactly the way he was any longer. His "issue" is one that both his father and brother shared, so I thought it would be good to have a sit down with both Jayden and Isaac.

Problem #1: I did NOT warn Isaac that this talk was about to come and encourage him how best to handle the discussion.

Problem #2: We were having the discussion in our basement...and Jayden was naked.

The result...

Isaac began to share with Jayden that he had this "issue" because of who his parents are. Isaac very kindly explained that he also had the same struggles until he was older than Jay and understood his frustrations. As a good big brother should, he explained that it was the family genes that made this "issue" a reality for the males of the family and that is why neither Emma or Hannah could relate. As Isaac continued to do his best to explain, Jayden announces:

I don't even wear jeans! I have NO idea what you are talking about!

Needless to say, it took both Isaac and I a few, silent seconds to figure out that Jayden meant jeans and we meant GENES.

I'm still uncertain whether we were able to get through to Jay...but, at least he knows he isn't alone AND we are still chuckling!

4th of July and the BIG Race

We started our morning, today, with the Park Rapids 5K. When I say "we," I mean my mom, sister, Isaac, Brian and me. Hannah and Jayden stayed with their Uncle Ian to await the Kids Run (1K) following the 5K/10K. What an awesome way to start our day!

Prior to the race, we had each determined exactly how we were going to tackle the race. My mom and sister determined that they would bring up the "rear" by walking; Brian and Isaac would run/walk with the pace of Isaac's choosing (with Brian's encouragement); and I would "run." Uncle Ian, Hannah and Jay would cheer us on at the Finish Line. The tasks were assigned and we hit the road with the sound of the starter's pistol.

Now, it could have just been the early hour or lack of caffeine or just a heightened sense of patriotism (and gratitude that Brian is home and with us unlike so many previous years), but I found myself highly moved and close to tears throughout the race. It hit me that this race was so much like life...so much like my Christian journey of faith.

First, I was running this race with my family. We each were tackling it a different way and in our own style...but, we were there together. Isn't that exactly how it should be in life?! Each person should and will use the talents and abilities that they are given to embrace life and move through it the best way that they know how.

Next, I was moved by watching how Brian encouraged Isaac to keep pushing. Even after he threw up (minor detail, really), Brian kept pushing Isaac to do his absolutely best. And, Isaac beamed...I mean beamed at the finish line with pride and excitement at this awesome task that he accomplished. The first words out of his mouth were: "I have to call someone and brag about this!" Now, I don't believe for a minute that we are supposed to get to the finish line of life and brag about our accomplishments to God. However, I do want to "look back" and feel good about how I finished the race...that I went through this life with honor, faith, dignity and love. I also want to be that person that encourages others to keep pushing...love others where they are at and encourage them to keep moving forward.

The variety of people throughout the race was awesome for a people observer like myself. I love looking at the unique canvas that God has created. There were tall, short, skinny, chunky, young, old, and so many shades of skin color. It was a reminder to me that we are all so unique and so different. Isn't it awesome that we are all different?! My book club last week was discussing how we are supposed to be unique...because fitting into the mold doesn't show God's unique calling that He has given to each of us. Today was truly a reminder of how unique we are!

Lastly, I was moved by the crowd (especially my own kiddos) as they cheered the runners towards the finish line. It is that great "cloud of witnesses" that is cheering me onward through my daily adventures. Unlike today's race, I am in no hurry to finish my life journey. However, I am so very grateful to have had men and women in my life like my grandparents, aunt and friends who are cheering me on through both the good days and bad days of life.

My book club is reading, "A Fresh Brewed Life," by Nicole Johnson. The essence of the book is to live life in the moment...and thank God for each and every day. With that book and today's race in mind, I am sharing my moment of thanksgiving and striving to live fully in this moment.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. -- Hebrews 12:1-2