Buying Presents...And Unrealistic Expectations

It is August 1st.  We are beginning another season of birthdays in our family.  In many ways, we have set ourselves (as parents of 5 kiddos) up for success.  Just a few examples of our "planning:"

• We have a "tradition" of birthday parties every other year.  On the "off" years, the kids get to have a special date with one friend.  This way, it is more gentle to our budget as well as our sanity.  
• We have tried to create "milestones" of the older birthday years.  For example, age 10 comes the "Cell-Phone-Birthday."  (This is not the newest internet-savy cell phone, by the way.  It is the basic cell phone that can simply call and text.  Besides those features, we really can't think of anything GOOD that a 10 year old can do with a cell phone.)  Age 12 birthday is marked by the milestone that the kiddo gets to fly to visit a family member for a week.  Age 13 birthday was a voyage to Haiti with Mom/Dad for service
  
  ministry.  Age 15 is predicted to be the "buy-your-very-own-fixer-upper-car" birthday.  The key to creating good milestone birthdays is to make it sustainable for kid #1 all the way to kid #last!  So far, so good.  
• We try to keep things simple.  $10/sibling to get a gift for their birthday sibling.  They can choose to combine their $10 or strike out solo.  
• The birthday kiddo receives the breakfast of their choice in bed.  By the way, in case you haven't already heard, I may have missed a year with Isaac...but, I'm sure with time and therapy, he'll recover just fine!
• Family dinner is usually at home with the Birthday Kiddo's favorite foods.  However, continuing with a theme to keep it simple, we have been known to hit the favorite fast food restaurants and DQ for ice cream cakes.
• There is also just one gift given from Brian and I.  

I'm sure there are other things that we do that are unique to our family.  However, whether these are good "traditions" and "tools" for Birthday Party success or not, we have stumbled upon them and they are working for the most part...except for the annual unrealistic expectations.

Here's the deal.  My kids have dreams...and those dreams can translate into BIG dollar gift ideas.  And, while I will readily admit that some of the milestone birthdays are big dollar gifts, NOT every year is a BIG dollar gift year.  It is simply NOT a reality.  But, doesn't every kid have this dream of getting that perfect gift?  Let me be honest, I still anxiously anticipate my birthday every year awaiting my dream gift!  There is just something about a birthday that is supposed to be magical.  And, part of that magic lies in receiving just the right gift.  

Now, I want to go on record to declare that I think getting "stuff" shouldn't be at the heart of any holiday...birthday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween or May Day.  BUT, there is something that rings true to me about receiving a good gift...and it doesn't have to be about the dollar amount.  A good gift shows that someone knows me so well that they were able to find something that would make me smile and that they remembered ME and MY big day.

And, so this is where the unrealistic expectations come to vex me.  Having received so many GOOD gifts for my birthdays from my parents, I remember the excitement and the thrill of being celebrated.  I want to give that same feeling and experience to my children.  Their unrealistic expectations for gifts leaves me feeling defeated and frustrated.

I wish that I had the magic answer to how to bridge the distance between the unrealistic and what will actually happen.  It really is my plan to make each kid's big day both wonderful and magical...while fitting into our budget.  So, for now, I continue to surf Amazon trying to think of that "perfect" gift while really focusing on how to create the "perfect day."  This year, I want our birthday child to experience the blessing of knowing that they are loved...and celebrated beyond just A gift.  Now...how to translate that feeling into reality...and include airsoft....challenge accepted!

Denial meets Reality

Earlier this week, I posted the following quote to Facebook. 

Denial is the gift the brain gives to the heart 

when the heart is not yet ready to embrace life's reality.

I'd like to believe that it is an original quote that I created.  However, I have often remembered sayings and claimed them as my own...only to find out later that I simply stole them.  Whatever the case may be, this message rang true to me as we have been spending the past few months preparing to uproot our family and move to Nixa, Missouri.

Throughout the process, I think I viewed everything I did as an "extra" to "normal life."  I honestly didn't feel any different as I shared time with friends and finished up the school year, extra-curricular activities and went on our summer trips.  Moving was my new "past-time" as we struggled to find a new home, get ours listed and arrange getting our items from here to there.  Denial was my gift that at some point life was going to change much more drastically than just having to keep a house clean and de-cluttered.

I love adventures and traveling.  So, our frequent adventures to Missouri were "educational" as I learned more about our new home.  I felt despair at the prospect of not having a home as school starts for the kids.  But, I always had the safety and the security of returning home.  This was where our "stuff" was so even though everything else seemed unknown, I had the gift of denial to view the "messy future" as something "out there."

We spent the past two weeks packing boxes.  I sorted through 5 years of collected "treasures."  Still, I had fun outings with friends.  My kids headed to camp and we made the final push to pack up the kitchen and

joint living spaces.  Denial twisted the reality in my head from "Tobi, you are moving 10 hours away." to "Tobi, isn't this awesome to have everything so organized in labeled boxes!"  And, the gift remained.
While the movers showed up and begin to haul away our life's worth of belongings (an amazingly efficient and quick process), the glimmer of reality began to push it's way into my subconscious thoughts.  I stopped sleeping soundly as I churned with all the "what ifs" and "did-we-remember-tos."  And, yet I clung to the enthusiasm of the adventure verses dwelling on the "last times."

However, now the truck has left.  We cleaned out 5 years of dirt, grime and dust.  (Don't even get me started on my housekeeping skills!) We left our keys, garage door openers and codes for the lock box and garage pad.  And, we have driven away.

My dad always said that he stayed in the same church as their pastor for over 20 years because he didn't say "good-bye" well.  I would argue that I move much more often...but, I still don't say "good-bye" well.  I cling to "see-you-later" as an assurance that I don't have to mourn the death of any relationship.  And, I maintain that I firmly believe in "see-you-laters."  Whether it is on this side of Heaven or not, I will see these friends, again.

However, the tears continue flowing down my cheeks.  Because, it is finally time to deal with just a bit of the reality of what this move really means.  Yes.  I will

maintain these friendships.  Yes.  I will continue to stalk everyone via modern media and give updates via this blog.  But, it is time to say good-bye to what may have been if we did not move.

Good-bye to the schools and teachers who have loved on and taught my kids from preschool through the end of Middle School.  Good-bye to our Sunday mornings with a church family who cannot be replaced or duplicated.  Good-bye to daily walks with my BFF and coffee times at the local Caribou.  Good-bye to friends who have become like sisters, brothers, daughters and sons hanging out in our living room and eating around our kitchen table.  Good-bye to my Mom's Group ladies who taught me as much as I taught them.  Good-bye to good neighbors and a home that has been filled with wonderful memories.  Good-bye to our lives in Albertville.

My heart hurts.  I know that God is calling us forward to Missouri.  I know that the adventure that is our life will continue to be filled with countless blessings.  But for right now, I need a bit of time to feel the full impact that is our reality.  Tonight, I thank God for the incredible blessings He bestowed upon our family during this past chapter...while I anxiously await the start of what is next.

My Front Porch

I find myself, today, in a bit of a melancholy mood.  It really isn't like me.  For the most part, I would describe myself as "high-energy" and "positive."  But, even with the sun shining and a beautiful breeze, I can't shake the dark cloud that seems to surround me.

So, I am sitting outside on my front porch.  I have recently been reintroduced to this space in my home.  Our Realtor called it "folksy" and "southern."  She said it was cute and a nice space to showcase for "curb appeal."  But, this front porch is more than that to me.

When we moved here, I wanted a front porch because of all the good books I've read from other time periods.  The stories are filled with warm summer nights where the family gathered on the porch.  The married couple would sit and talk while the children played in the neighborhood.  Friends and neighbors stopped by to share news of life events.  I had this romantic notion that if I had a front porch, our family would sit here and recreate these nostalgic scenes.

But, in the past four and a half years, we have never sat here as a family.  That doesn't mean that there aren't memories here, though.  They just look different than the ones I thought we'd create.  Our kids have sat out here from time to time with each other and with their friends.  If I sit still long enough, I can almost recreate the sounds of their laughter and giggles.  I can see myself telling Emma to stop sitting on the railing and Jayden to stop jumping off of it (for the thousandth time).  The swing moves in the breeze where Jayden and I practiced reading.  What a blessing to have a place where he could be moving while learning!  I've waited for my kids to get off the bus on this front porch and still find myself amazed that they are no longer coming off the kindergarten bus.  Now, I wait with Elijah for the bus while we giggle and sing.

This front porch is a place where we have waited.  Waited for the bus.  Waited for the phone call.  Waited for a ride.  Waited for Brian to get home from work.  And now, I wait for them to put the "for sale" sign in the front yard.

The memories we have created here I could have never have imagined when we decided to buy this home.  But, they are the memories that I treasure.  And, the memory-making on this front porch isn't done.  Maybe part of my gloomy mood is that this is where I will be sitting on the last day of school when my kids step off this bus for the last time.  It is here where we will close another chapter of their school years.  And, it is here where they may shed a few tears knowing that the end-of-the-year good-byes are more permanent this time.  It is from this front porch we will watch the moving van be loaded and drive away.  It is from here I will feel my children's pain at leaving and know that no matter how great the upcoming adventure may be, I cannot stop the feelings of sadness and anxiety.

So, for just a little while, I'm putting aside the never-ending to-do list.  And, I will enjoy a few more hours on my folksy, southern front porch.  Maybe, I will even pretend I'm a proper southern girl and make myself some sweet tea.  And, for now, I will choose to just wait and listen.

My Mother's Day...My New Perspective

It's Mother's Day.

Today brings forth all the emotions and feelings of all the years past.  Joy for being a mother of 5 beautiful children.  Gratefulness to have a mother who has been a wonderful role model and mentor for both myself and my friends.  Thankfulness for a husband who is loving and a true partner in parenting.  Today is a reminder of the bountiful blessings that have been gifted to me.

And, like other years, there is the "other" set of emotions that are called to mind and heart on this day.  My heart grieves for those who have lost their mothers.  Today is a day where the memories of times shared with their mothers are more bittersweet than usual.  My heart aches for those who have mothers who are ill or dying on this day.  Today is also a painful day for those who have had unhealthy relationships with their mom or mother figures.  We joke about "mommy-issues" but it is no laughing matter, and today is a reminder of the dreams of "what could have been" having fallen far short from what actually was or is.

Unlike past years, today I have a new re-occurring image that continues to pervade my thoughts and weighs heavy on my heart.  This image of a 17 year old young woman in Florida is never far away from my thoughts on a normal day.  But, today, I can't shake her.  She is Elijah's birth mom.  She gave us the greatest gift that I now claim as my own son...and part of the reason that I celebrate, today.  Is anyone celebrating with her?

On this day, who is thanking her for her sacrifice?  I wish I could.  But, words and pictures seem to be a small repayment for the tremendous gift of motherhood she gifted me.

I know that there are those who probably think that she is lucky.  At 17 years of age and living in poverty, she got "rid" of her burden and now is free to be a kid, again.  This thought is foolish, really.  Her life might be easier without a baby in tow.  But, the knowledge that she had a child is forever with her as well as all the unknowns (How is he right now?  What is he doing?) and what-ifs (What if he was here right now?  What if I could see him?).

I was reminded of this when watching an interview, recently, with the woman who was adopted from the streets by Jane Fonda.  The interviewer asked the adopted daughter, "What do you think would have happened to you if Jane hadn't become your mother?"  Her response was perfectly accurate and honest.  "I would have wound up like all the other girls in my neighborhood.  I would have found a man to protect me and had a baby who would love me."

See?  This 17 year old woman not only sacrificed the man to protect her but gave up the baby that would love her.  She lost it all in order to ensure that Elijah would have everything.  How is this not the most fierce example of selfless love?

So, on this Mother's Day, if you see tears in my eyes, it isn't from being over-tired.  It is because I hold in my arms the reminder of what a mother's love really is.  A mother's love is a love that is willing from before a child is born to sacrifice everything for their child.

Leaning towards Frugal

So....money is tight.  I'm not sure how many times in my life I have said that to our kids.  But, this time...it is WAY tight.  So, we are making a move towards being "frugal."

Frugal is such a nicer-sounding word than "cheap."  I was reminded by a close friend that "cheap" indicates a lack of quality.  Frugal indicates well-researched and financially beneficial.  Therefore, we will be a frugal family!

Our newest adventure in frugality is home-made laundry detergent.  It is a recipe I found out Pinterest.  And, as with any good plan, I headed out to find the ingredients (with coupons, of course!).

 Once we had gathered up the supplies, it was time to get to work.  I pitched it to the kids as a "most exciting" and "wonderfully interesting" family evening activity.  While the 13-year-old quickly saw through my sales pitch, the rest of the crew joined forces to shred the zote soap and begin stirring the remaining ingredients.

The first recommendation from "the workforce" is that it may be best to repeat this process in the future OUTSIDE.  It is a smelly, smelly process.  Don't get me wrong.  It is a very good smell...just STRONG.

The large 5 gallon bucket worked well for mixing.  And, the containers from the dollar store worked great for storage.  We are using the scoop from the formula container since we only need 2 scoops/tablespoons per load.  If all goes according to the recipe, we are washing clothes at about 7 cents/load!!

 As we have about 2 loads of laundry a day around this house, this has translated to a rather big savings over time.  We started using it last week and so far I am impressed.  The clothes are getting clean, stains are gone and smells good, too!

 With this intial success under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good about leaning towards frugal and have begun researching other DIY cleaning products.  Do you have any recipes you'd recommend?  How do you and your family save money?  I'd love any tips you might have for our growing, frugal family!