My Front Porch

I find myself, today, in a bit of a melancholy mood.  It really isn't like me.  For the most part, I would describe myself as "high-energy" and "positive."  But, even with the sun shining and a beautiful breeze, I can't shake the dark cloud that seems to surround me.

So, I am sitting outside on my front porch.  I have recently been reintroduced to this space in my home.  Our Realtor called it "folksy" and "southern."  She said it was cute and a nice space to showcase for "curb appeal."  But, this front porch is more than that to me.

When we moved here, I wanted a front porch because of all the good books I've read from other time periods.  The stories are filled with warm summer nights where the family gathered on the porch.  The married couple would sit and talk while the children played in the neighborhood.  Friends and neighbors stopped by to share news of life events.  I had this romantic notion that if I had a front porch, our family would sit here and recreate these nostalgic scenes.

But, in the past four and a half years, we have never sat here as a family.  That doesn't mean that there aren't memories here, though.  They just look different than the ones I thought we'd create.  Our kids have sat out here from time to time with each other and with their friends.  If I sit still long enough, I can almost recreate the sounds of their laughter and giggles.  I can see myself telling Emma to stop sitting on the railing and Jayden to stop jumping off of it (for the thousandth time).  The swing moves in the breeze where Jayden and I practiced reading.  What a blessing to have a place where he could be moving while learning!  I've waited for my kids to get off the bus on this front porch and still find myself amazed that they are no longer coming off the kindergarten bus.  Now, I wait with Elijah for the bus while we giggle and sing.

This front porch is a place where we have waited.  Waited for the bus.  Waited for the phone call.  Waited for a ride.  Waited for Brian to get home from work.  And now, I wait for them to put the "for sale" sign in the front yard.

The memories we have created here I could have never have imagined when we decided to buy this home.  But, they are the memories that I treasure.  And, the memory-making on this front porch isn't done.  Maybe part of my gloomy mood is that this is where I will be sitting on the last day of school when my kids step off this bus for the last time.  It is here where we will close another chapter of their school years.  And, it is here where they may shed a few tears knowing that the end-of-the-year good-byes are more permanent this time.  It is from this front porch we will watch the moving van be loaded and drive away.  It is from here I will feel my children's pain at leaving and know that no matter how great the upcoming adventure may be, I cannot stop the feelings of sadness and anxiety.

So, for just a little while, I'm putting aside the never-ending to-do list.  And, I will enjoy a few more hours on my folksy, southern front porch.  Maybe, I will even pretend I'm a proper southern girl and make myself some sweet tea.  And, for now, I will choose to just wait and listen.

My Mother's Day...My New Perspective

It's Mother's Day.

Today brings forth all the emotions and feelings of all the years past.  Joy for being a mother of 5 beautiful children.  Gratefulness to have a mother who has been a wonderful role model and mentor for both myself and my friends.  Thankfulness for a husband who is loving and a true partner in parenting.  Today is a reminder of the bountiful blessings that have been gifted to me.

And, like other years, there is the "other" set of emotions that are called to mind and heart on this day.  My heart grieves for those who have lost their mothers.  Today is a day where the memories of times shared with their mothers are more bittersweet than usual.  My heart aches for those who have mothers who are ill or dying on this day.  Today is also a painful day for those who have had unhealthy relationships with their mom or mother figures.  We joke about "mommy-issues" but it is no laughing matter, and today is a reminder of the dreams of "what could have been" having fallen far short from what actually was or is.

Unlike past years, today I have a new re-occurring image that continues to pervade my thoughts and weighs heavy on my heart.  This image of a 17 year old young woman in Florida is never far away from my thoughts on a normal day.  But, today, I can't shake her.  She is Elijah's birth mom.  She gave us the greatest gift that I now claim as my own son...and part of the reason that I celebrate, today.  Is anyone celebrating with her?

On this day, who is thanking her for her sacrifice?  I wish I could.  But, words and pictures seem to be a small repayment for the tremendous gift of motherhood she gifted me.

I know that there are those who probably think that she is lucky.  At 17 years of age and living in poverty, she got "rid" of her burden and now is free to be a kid, again.  This thought is foolish, really.  Her life might be easier without a baby in tow.  But, the knowledge that she had a child is forever with her as well as all the unknowns (How is he right now?  What is he doing?) and what-ifs (What if he was here right now?  What if I could see him?).

I was reminded of this when watching an interview, recently, with the woman who was adopted from the streets by Jane Fonda.  The interviewer asked the adopted daughter, "What do you think would have happened to you if Jane hadn't become your mother?"  Her response was perfectly accurate and honest.  "I would have wound up like all the other girls in my neighborhood.  I would have found a man to protect me and had a baby who would love me."

See?  This 17 year old woman not only sacrificed the man to protect her but gave up the baby that would love her.  She lost it all in order to ensure that Elijah would have everything.  How is this not the most fierce example of selfless love?

So, on this Mother's Day, if you see tears in my eyes, it isn't from being over-tired.  It is because I hold in my arms the reminder of what a mother's love really is.  A mother's love is a love that is willing from before a child is born to sacrifice everything for their child.