Finding Peace

We have finally returned home for the last time from South Dakota. Prior to returning to Rapid City to pick up our repaired RV, I talked to Brian about the idea of heading to Niagra Falls next summer. Clearly, like childbirth, the painful memories of our journey faded and the good times were all that I remembered. So, naturally, I thought another family voyage next summer would be a "good thing."

Let me just say...after 10 hours to Rapid City on Saturday in a rental car and 14 hours on the return in an RV without air conditioning, I'm rethinking next summer's plans. Maybe that tent in the backyard with evening viewings from Animal Planet on the tv will be enough?!

The good news is that now we are at my folks' cabin in Northern Minnesota. As I drove here, I felt myself begin to decompress. The closer we got to Park Rapids, the more that I felt the pain/stress of the past two weeks fade away.

There is something about this place. I don't know if it the water or the trees or the beautiful blue sky that brings me a sense of peace. The clock looses its demanding tick and becomes more of a musical pulse. The singing birds and gentle breeze (sometimes gusts, if I am honest) takes the place of ringing phones and air conditioning. It is a place to simply enjoy my kids and the time that we have together...verses worrying if the piano is practices, rooms are clean or library books returned on time. There is peace.

Don't get me wrong. The kids still fight. There is still dinners to make and toys to clean up. But, there is peace. Peace of mind, spirit and soul.

I often wonder how I can have this "peace" amongst the daily grind of home. I know that prayer is key. But, it is also attitude...my attitude. I sleep better when I'm here. I feel stronger, happier, and healthier. Being here makes me grounded in the people that are most important to me...my children, husband and family. There are memories here...and moments that linger and I have the time to savor them.

From this place of peace, I pray that you may also have a place of peace. And, may you be nourished in that place for the storms and adventures that life continually offers.

The Saga Continues...

For those of you keeping track of the score:

RV - 3

Roeslercrew - 0

It seems that all of my prayers for patience are paying off?!? God provided us with many opportunities over the past week for me to practice patience. What a blessing?!? Sigh...



Let me retrace the past week highlights from the comfort of my air conditioned home (and 2 nights of sleep in my own bed):

First, I need to say for the record that our time actually in South Dakota was wonderful. The rental van was awesome and very reliable. This is a feature that I prefer in a vehicle (pointed note to RV from Hell here). We had a great time being tourists with the kids and Brian's dad and step-mom. Mt. Rushmore's lighting experience was great....along with the Reptile Gardens, Bear Country, and so much more. We had an awesome day hiking around Custer State Park. Of course, the kids may disagree that the actual hiking was all that fantastic. Apparently, 2 to 3 miles in the Black Hills has become "The Legend of How Mom Forced Us to Hike 23 Miles Up Hill...Both Ways." The children's feet have healed and seem to have recovered from their personal "Trail of Tears." The scenery and experiencing God's beautiful creation were truly a high point!

Second, I would like to go on record to say that the children remain very optimistic about their South Dakota vacation. Isaac even asked how we could possibly top this vacation next year. Too bad his question was met with hysterical laughter from his parents after they had been up for over 24 hours...and driving home a rental vehicle. Now to explain...

After leaving Rapid City on Friday morning, we made it ALL the way (about an hour) to Wall, South Dakota. The RV completely conned us by working beautifully for the entire drive. We were glowing with that post-vacation enthusiasm of a week well-spent, and decided to gas up the RV before stopping at Wall Drug. There was no reason to believe that this was the beginning of the RV Rebellion.

Brian got back into the RV after filling her tanks...and, the engine did not go voom...or click...or buzz...or hummmmmm. In short, the RV did nothing. And, proceeded to do nothing even with Brian's best coaxing (along with the helpful Conocco Station employees who really wanted their pumps freed back up). So, while Brian waited for the tow truck to arrive, the kids and I headed to Wall Drug to continue the tourist experience.

Side note: All tourist experiences are great for the first hour or two. But, even a well-advertised and exciting place like Wall Drug cannot entertain for 6 hours. I think the staff honestly believed we were either mystery shoppers or looking to move in!

Long story made a bit shorter, the wrecker had to wait for back-up to cut off the U-joint on the transmission to make the RV safe to tow because the bolts had rusted. This gave us the opportunity to split up on the ride back to Rapid City. My new best friends in South Dakota are interested in seeing me on the BMX track very soon. I just didn't have the energy or the heart to repeat myself in the loud pick-up truck and clear up the miscommunication. So, Jay is looking forward to returning to South Dakota to see me race...

When we arrived at the RV Dealership, the last service employee was pulling out of the lot for the weekend. I waved while the tears ran down my cheeks. Who am I to stop a guy from enjoying his weekend?! The salesman was helpful enough to tell me about the family-friendly attractions two exits up on the interstate. Clearly, he didn't grasp that the RV was being towed their for repairs and I was dropped off moments earlier by Cleatus and Bubba!

In the 100+ degree heat, we decided that we couldn't live in the parking lot of the RV Dealership and took pity on the kids by checking into the hotel (within walking distance, of course). The up side is that the hotel had rooms and was attached to a waterpark. The down side was that it wasn't exactly the price tag of the KOA, and we must have been quite the site walking in with our bags from the interstate.

By Saturday afternoon, we had rented a car and started our trek back to Minnesota knowing that we would have to return next weekend to pick-up the RV-from-Hell. At this point, I have a few parting thoughts of our current situation. One is that the RV clearly has had the last laugh. After hanging out with her friends over the weekend, she started right up for the repairman, today. I guess she just wanted time for herself, too!? The other is that I feel so very blessed to have a husband that handles crisis so beautifully while his wife shuts down into a grumpy, coma-like state. I am also blessed that we are financially able to afford to rent a car, hotel room and head back this next weekend to finally "finish" our vacation. And, lastly, I am blessed by a God who provides me with so many opportunities to practice patience and to laugh. It is good to be reminded not to take life seriously...for it is anything but!

More to come...just think of what a great screen play this would make?! Clark Griswold (National Lampoon) meets Robin Williams (RV) with a bit of Transformers thrown in....a classic in the making, I'm sure. It will at least be a classic vacation that the children will be recalling for years to come!

Did I Get The Wrong Number?

For almost 3 years now, I have felt that our family is missing someone or someones. I'm sure that there are those who think 4 kids are plenty...and they are in many ways. But, I still feel that there is plenty of love in our hearts for more children. Someone is missing...

Brian and I have talked about it. We've prayed about it. And, we've done our research. With four loving kiddos at home, we didn't feel that we could pursue foster care or adopting "hard-to-place" children. I went to information meetings and researched on-line. And, after even more prayer and lots of discussion, we felt that our best solution was to have my tubal ligation reversed this past January.

The procedure went smooth and the surgeon was very optimistic. I really thought this was an opportunity to fill the void that I felt in my heart and in our home. But, 8 months later, we are still not pregnant and I'm beginning to wonder if I misunderstood God's will in all of this.

With each passing month, I find myself going through tons of "self-talk" like:

• This will happen in God's time...be patient, Tobi. Have faith!
• Delight in the 4 beautiful children that God has blessed your life...and, be ready for whatever or whoever comes your way.

I also am haunted by the idea that maybe in all my prayers I didn't stop to actually listen. For them that know me, this won't be a surprise...but, I am better at talking than I am at listening. I know that this wouldn't be the first time that God's will was clear and I simply choose to ignore Him.

So...now what? If I did get the wrong number when lifting up my prayers...and, I misunderstood the message that I wanted to hear with what was/is God's will, then I need to "let go" and be alright with no pregnancy and new Roesler baby. And, it probably would be very healthy for me to "let go" of the idea that I really have any control of this situation at all. All of the urine tests these days to determine fertility and pregnancy really can lead to the false sense of control.

At this point, I know that I will continue to pray...pray for God's will. And, pray that I will listen to HIS will verses MINE. But, I also need to let go of the theory that I can control any of this...miracles remain miracles for a reason. I also need to simply live in this moment and at this time with my 4 beautiful children. God has a plan...and, I need to remember that I am along for the ride...

5 hours...and, a new outlook

I have had 5 hours and a hot shower since I wrote the following. It has cleared me up to better appreciate the comedy of events that has unfolded today and to truly appreciate my husband's leadership, calmness and consistency in spite of my drama. I still publish the following for your entertainment pleasure and another opportunity to thank my folks for giving me such a wonderful foundation for life...

Dear Mom and Dad –

It is with taking our trip to South Dakota that I have come to realize the sacrifice of time, energy and finances that you endured in order to provide me with family vacation experiences in my childhood. Although the memories are hazy, I have very fond memories of the bonding that came from voyages such as the one that we are currently undertaking to Mt. Rushmore.

I am fairly confident that the summer adventures we had were trials for you…whether it was the lack of modern conveniences like dvd players to entertain me and my siblings or the hideous suicidal bugs of Nerdstram Woods. But, as a child, these trials really didn’t register as a problem for me. They were just part of the vacation experience. It is in this light that I have hope that our children will look back at the past two days as a wonderful adventure…verses the vacation experience from @#(% that Brian and I feel it has become. Let me just highlight a few of the things that I have learned since Saturday morning when we began our voyage:

• Gas stations are only “empty” of other clients as long as you don’t need to be there with your RV and trailer making a very tight turn to reach the air. This might even be a new “Murphy’s Law.” Throughout the weekend, we have found gas stations practically without cars until we turn on the turn-signal to make our turn. Then, it is as though cars/motorcycles/RVs/semis from all over the planet are drawn to the same gas station. Is this an i-pod feature that Isaac has downloaded or some type of app that I wasn’t aware?!?
• When your gut tells you a trailer won’t hold the weight of your car, trust your gut and leave the trailer at home. We made it to the edge of town before Brian’s gut finally got the best of him and he pulled over to check the car trailer one more time. In short, not good. Brian took the car off the trailer and we limped back home to leave both the trailer and car in the driveway. So much for “being prepared” if something goes wrong with the RV.
• It is good to “be prepared” in case something goes wrong with the RV. According to our GPS, we should have arrived at the RV park last night at 8:00pm. It is now 9:15 on the following day…and we are about 200 miles out. Need I say more?! The good news is that we have the money to cover the cost of the new tire, and we aren’t in a big hurry. So, putting up with a failing fuel pump as we jerk along the back roads at 35 – 50 miles to our destination.
• If an attraction is advertised on more than 20 billboards in South Dakota, it is going to be over-rated…especially if you have to spend 5 hours there. Corn palace…well, it is a building dedicated to corn. I’m from Iowa. Is it really that big of a deal? Maybe I would appreciate it more if I was from Texas…but, Brian didn’t seem all that thrilled either. 1880 Town may have been awesome if it wasn’t actually filled with memorabilia from the movie, Dances with Wolves. The good news is that we were there long enough to have Jayden and Emma actually get to drive the mule cart. They have career options now that they didn’t think about prior to today. And, Hannah got her kitten fix playing with the inhabitants of one of the building in town.
• If you are going to get stranded in an RV, be sure to have a skillet and food. Apparently, they only ate breakfast and lunch at the diner in the 1880s, so we were blessed to have food on the hoof and could make our own breakfast in the RV. Now if we can only get the smell of bacon out of here…
• Lastly…we remain grateful that there is lemonade to be made from lemons…or at least we are trying. As I said, we are still 200 miles out and limping along…the children are still smiling . They are looking forward to the next “surprise” in our adventure. Brian and I continue to smile and say things like “I love you…” and “thank you.” And, we still have some money in the “fun” envelope to spend on things like fuel pumps and windshield wipers.

So, thank you for being calm when getting my frantic texts, Mom. Your right. This is the time to keep a healthy perspective and remember the “5 rule:”

1. Will this matter in 5 minutes?
2. Will this matter in 5 days?
3. Will this matter in 5 weeks?
4. Will this matter in 5 years?

In that vain…I will mention that the cattle hauler that pulled up next to us at the last 2-hour stop did stink and may have made Hannah a vegetarian for life. But, the smell left with the bacon cooking (and Hannah is still game to eat pig). That 5 minutes passed…and so will the next.
Thank you for gifting me the memories from my childhood to enter into this insanity of vacationing with my own family. And, may I curse (...I mean) bless my own children with the passion to suffer (...i mean bond) with their family through an adventure of their own someday.

Much Love,
TR