And God Showed Up

I have been blessed to live my entire life knowing Jesus.  My dad was my pastor and my mom our church organist and choir director.  Church life was all I ever knew and it translated into my life passion of being an active member of a church family.  It is among my community of faith I feel most connected and closest to Jesus.

So, it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that God has been walking throughout this adoption journey with me.  Yet, I doubted...struggled...argued with a God I saw increasingly as distant and unapproachable.

For the past five years, Brian and I have prayed for an addition or two (still praying for at least 2!) to our already large and lively family.  My heart ached as I looked around the table and knew that their were faces missing. The house seemed to pound out the heart beat of someone who wasn't here.  I couldn't understand.  Where was the little body to go with the ghost-like presence that moved throughout our home?

Then, God showed up.

The call came to Brian first.  He heard the caseworker's description of this special needs child in Florida who needed a forever family.  Instantly, Brian said yes when in every other similar situation he had been hesitant and resistant.  This time, Brian said yes and our family profile was shared with the birth mother.  Within 24 hours, this beautiful young woman had chosen our family to place her precious child.  The phone call came to me from our caseworker to say, "Congratulations!  You have a son!"  Immediately, I went into shock.  Worry filled my mind and plagued my thoughts.  What have we done?  How can we leave by the end of the week to meet this baby?

Then, God showed up.

I sat down at the dining room table in my parent's home.  Unprepared and terribly overwhelmed, I told our 4 children, my brothers, sister and my parents that we were adopting a baby boy.  The kids responded with joy, nervousness, and excitement.  My siblings connected one-on-one with our kids to make sure they were okay and talked through their initial feelings.  In awe, I witnessed the hands and feet of Jesus reach out in joy to the 5 of us.  There was no judgement.  Simply, there was joy and a unifying spirit of "we can do this together."  I can honestly say that our family deals with crisis beautifully.  Truly a blessing from God.

My dad and mom went to work rearranging their schedules so that they could come to our home and stay with our kids while Brian and I traveled to Florida.  A good friend stepped up to transport our kids to school and readily invited them to share with her their worries and concerns while we were away.  The presence of God was real and comforting.  And, yet still I worried.  The doctor shared genetic diagnosis concerns and the social worker shared financial concerns that we knew nothing about when we gave our initial "yes."  I began to doubt that this was going to be such a great fit.  What happens if we see him and I can't bring myself to love him?  Is it too late to back out?

Then, God showed up.

My loving, confident husband held my hand the entire time we flew from Minneapolis to Florida.  He made sure I had food...big "must-have" to keep me sane!  Brian listened to my concerns and continued to repeat that we were going to be okay.  We arrived at our hotel at 1:30 in the morning.  It was a fitful night of sleep as I woke again and again to the whispers of doubt and despair only to find comfort from Brian's whispered, "it is going to be okay."  I dressed the next morning convinced that we were going to meet with the social worker and figure out that this was all one big mistake.  I'd be on a plane and headed home before nightfall.

Then, God showed up.

The caseworker in Florida was incredibly warm and understanding.  She didn't find my abrupt questions upon meeting to deter her from loving us into meeting Elijah.  She didn't even tell me to "shut up" and "chill out" even though she had the right!  We were on our way to the hospital before I had time to think.  And, as we arrived in the NICU, the nurse handed over baby Elijah into my arms.  My mind went blank.  My eyes filled with tears.  A voice filled my head.  "This is your child...and, don't you forget it!"  I looked to Brian and he said, "So?"  All I could do was nod.  This baby was ours.

But, now came the emotional struggles of worrying about how to care for Elijah's unique needs.  The concerns about how he was going to be cared for while we were gone.  And, the heartache of knowing that we had only a precious 48 hours until we had to come home.

Then, God showed up.

The nurses, doctor and nurse practitioner showed us how much they loved Elijah.  They literally know him inside and out!  They gave us phone numbers to call and encouraged us to call anytime...day or night.  We knew that Elijah would not go without anything during our absence and so we headed to catch an early morning flight.  It was time to return home and prepare for Elijah's arrival.

The financial burden of adoption has caused me to worry (an understatement, really).  And, so, we have been extra cautious as we look at the things that we need for a new baby.  We gave away everything from Jayden and are starting "fresh."  Where would the money come for all this?

Then, God showed up.

While my mind was still reeling with the every-lengthening list of "must-haves", Brian's sister called.  She was sending us a car seat and a box of "odds-n-ends."  I didn't even think about having a car seat when I returned to pick up Elijah!  My cousin called and offered hand-me-downs to borrow from her son and Fed-Exed them to me so I'd have them for the trip back.  A good friend came by with a huge bag of goodies from Target complete with a box of diapers.  Other friends have brought clothes, burp clothes, and blankets.

On Sunday night, Brian and I decided we wanted to start Elijah in a bassinet due to his small size and wanting to have him in our bedroom.  Monday morning, Brian's co-worker came into his office and offered him a bassinet that they had from their youngest.  They are also gifting us a bouncy seat and more.  Each need we have encountered has been met before we have even put the plan in action as to how to get it!

I am in awe.  These are not the actions of a God who is distant or uncaring.  Clearly, this is the on-going proof of a God who is hands-on in my life.  The key to seeing when God is showing up is to not expect him to show-up on my timeline or according to my agenda.  As a planner, this lesson has been a tough one to learn.  But, thank God, it was a lesson that I won't soon forget.

So, for now, as I fill out grant paperwork and prepare to head back to Florida, I set aside the worries.  For now, I chose to simply bask in God's blessings and anxiously await the next moment when God will show up.

The Latest

Our family has been so overwhelmed by the amazing blessings of family and friends as we have announced the good news of our newest son, Elijah Charles.  The calls, texts, e-mails and cards have brightened our hearts and helped to remind us of the joy that comes when surrounded by the hands and feet of Jesus.  Thank you for all the little ways (smiles and patience with our current chaos) and big ways (gifts and donations of baby goodies) that you have lifted us up.  We are so very, very blessed!

I have been miserable at returning phone calls and keeping everyone up to date.  My apologies.  I think I can speak for both Brian and I that it isn't that we don't want to share all the good news.  Our brains are a bit on overload!  The good news is that the jumble that exists between our ears seems to still be functioning enough to care for our four kids at home!  

So, what's new?!

Elijah is doing great.  He is getting stronger and eating more with each passing day.  They are doing their final MRI this afternoon and starting the additional final tests to prepare for him to be released.  The nurse practioner is hopeful that Elijah will be released as early as Tuesday.  

I am flying down Thursday afternoon to be with Elijah.  I am looking forward to being back and holding our baby!  I will stay in Florida until Elijah is released.  We have been blessed by receiving a waiver so I won't have to stay in Florida for the 5 - 15 days waiting for IPCP papers to be processed.  As soon as the doctor gives us the go, we can head home!  Of course, Thanksgiving travel will make our return adventure a bit more of an adventure.  But, as long as we fly in on Thanksgiving before the turkey is served, I think all will be good!

In the meanwhile, we thank you all for your prayers and your eagerness to help us welcome Elijah home.  God is so good, and the adventure is simply amazing!

Free Falling

Elijah Charles

I have never experience free-fall from an airplane.  But, I imagine that the past week has been a bit like a free-fall must be.

1)  Denial

              Free-Fall:  I can't believe that I just jumped off that plane!  This can't be happening...

              Adoption:  I can't believe that a mom just chose us!  This can't be happening...

2)  Adrenaline Rush

               Free-Fall:  Oh, Crap!  I am falling from the sky...at a really fast pace.  This is so cool!

              Adoption:  Oh, Crap!  We just gave our heart away to a 5 1/2 lb little bundle of joy in the NICU.  We are signing paperwork to make him our own.  This is so cool!

3)  Peacefulness & Acceptance

              Free-Fall:  Check out the view!  It is so beautiful to be here...

              Adoption:  Check out this view...we are a family of 7.  It is so beautiful to be here...

4)  Panic

              Free-Fall:  I have had training for this.  What if my parachute doesn't work?  Where is the manual for this thing?

              Adoption:  I have had training for this.  (You don't have 4 kids without them training you a bit!)  What if I don't remember how to do this?  Where is the manual for this thing?

5)  Dread

              Free-Fall:  I don't want this feeling to end.  This has been the coolest thing!  What happens next?

             Adoption:  I don't want this feeling to end.  This has been the coolest thing...and, now, we have to return home, tomorrow.  What happens next?

6)  Success!

              Free-Fall:  My feet are on the ground!  I survived!  Now, how many days until I can arrange to do this again...

              Adoption:  Our feet are on the ground.  And, we will survive.  Now, how many days until we can come back and bring him home with us...

Stepping Out in Faith

I have started this blog entry almost 10 times...and used the delete key repeatedly.  It seems that words fail to capture this past week, and even more inadequate to describe the past 24 hours.  So, please forgive me, but I am going to give a cliff-notes version...with the promise that after some sleep, more can and will come.


This is Elijah Charles Roesler.  He was born on October 9th in St. Petersburg, Florida to a courageous teen mother who saught to gift him a forever family with a mom, dad and lots of siblings.

Last Friday afternoon, she chose our family to be his forever family.

Monday, Brian and I began the emotional roller coaster ride of preparing for a plane trip on Thursday night, financial preparations, and (of course) childcare for our other beautiful 4 children. 

Thursday, my dad came into town and Brian and I flew out...not fully understanding the emotional impact of this journey.  We were still trying to be practical and prepare ourselves for the weekend ahead. 

After arriving in Florida at 1:30am, we slept quickly and headed to the adoption offices.  By 11:45am, we were holding this beautiful, tiny body in our arms.  Our hearts ripped wide open and we knew this baby was ours...the emotional pull to be with him was as strong as it has been with each of our other four children.  I can't explain it.  Elijah Charles is Roesler child #5.

We returned to the adoption office and filled out paperwork.  The experience was surreal.  We were priveledged to meet Elijah birth mother and birth grandmother for a late lunch.  Again, words failed me to adequately thank this young woman for her gift of life in Elijah and to our family.

Then, it was back to the hospital to just hold and be present with Elijah.  It is clear to us that God has cleared the path to make this miracle a reality for us.  The journey is still a long one ahead since Elijah was born with gastrointenisis (I doubt this is spelled correctly - but it is when a baby is born with intestines outside of the body).  Surgery has returned their intestines to their internal location.  But, the healing process for his little body is a slow and steady one.  We have heard that he will need to be here for at least another 3 weeks.

Meanwhile, Elijah has started feeding from a bottle, today.  He is alert and has a very big voice for his small body.  Which means, he will fit right in with the Roeslers!

Tomorrow, we will sit and hold our newest son. 
Friends & Family, we are proud to introduce the 7th Roesler, Elijah Charles.

Meeting Eye-to-Eye...Kinda

My Dearest First-Born Child,

It is time to acknowledge a truth that you have been quick to embrace.  And, as I look into your big, eager eyes, I do recognize we are eye-to-eye.  You have caught up to me in height.  And, since we are admitting things, it is probably only a few short weeks until you pass me up and begin to “look down” to meet me eye-to-eye.

This truth has only been hard to admit because it speaks to a glaring reality that I am not sure that either of us are ready to embrace.  While we physically meet one another eye-to-eye, you are becoming your own individual.  We agree less and less on “issues” from politics to cleaning your room.  I do realize that this is the first of many steps to you becoming the man that God has called you to be.  But, have some patience with this “little” woman.

In my mind, it was only yesterday that I was “changing your diapers” and “teaching you to walk or ride a bike.” I stare at you in amazement because you are this tall.  When did this happen?  I laugh at your quick wit and amazing sense of humor.  When did this start?  I fall silent when you begin to talk about the job you want or the college plans you are considering.  When did we stop talking about “play-dates” and “toys?” 

You will have to forgive me.  I know that you are eagerly yearning to be “grown-up.”  But, you will always be my little boy – whether you are in diapers or 6 foot 2 inches tall.  So, I will continue to tell you “what to do” and “how to do it.”  It’s simply a mother’s prerogative.

But, I feel that it is important at this specific time when we stand eye-to-eye, that I remind you that all is not as it appears.  Although we may be looking at this world from the same height, my eyes see this view with years of wisdom.  It is the wisdom of years’ worth of experiences.  That also explains the wrinkles around these eyes…and the bags underneath them.  This wisdom is a gift I can give you if you will continue to listen.  Keep your ears open to my words and trust that they are coming to you in love.  Sometimes, truth is hard to hear…no matter how tall or how old you get.

While my eyes show the signs of aging, your eyes still shine with the optimism of youth.  Don’t loose that…at least not anytime soon.  Believe in your dreams, because I believe them. I know it sounds cliché and dorky.  But, everyone needs a cheerleader or two.  I will always be yours. 

You were born into this world for big things, Son.  So, it seems only appropriate that you grow to be a big kid…tall, strong and handsome.  This is only one of many times that I have looked at you and recognized that you are growing up…but, this time seems bigger.  Maybe, it is because you are so much bigger…or maybe because I feel so much smaller. 

Your world is getting bigger now, too.  You have more freedoms.  You can come and go on your own (granted a driver’s license would be HUGE in this department…but give this old woman time!).  You have more friends..and, a more diverse group of friends.  And, you have more responsibilities, too.  But, no matter how big you get, there are a few things I hope you will always remember:

·         You are never too old to hug your family.  Kissing is optional…although, a kiss on the check NEVER hurt anyone!  Physical touch is important.

·         Crying is an external sign of pain…not something that indicates you are a sissy.  It is okay to feel and express pain.  Tears are far better than rage.

·         Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give…both to yourself as well as to another.  And, giving truly is the best way to get. 

·         Laughter truly is the best medicine...and you are clearly gifted in sharing laughter with others.  But, don’t hide behind it too much.  The real you is pretty awesome once people get to know you!

·         Time will always move faster than you plan.  Procrastination is NEVER a good thing (no matter what your dad might think!)

·         Keep growing in God.  Take the time to learn about the Creator who made you and continues to perform a great work in you.  Pray.

And last but not least (I do reserve the right to add to this list.), sit down whenever I am having a “serious talk.”  I want to stand and still feel like the “big” adult…at least for a few more years.

Love Always,

Mom

A Day at the ER

I have always been a planner.  Frequently, just for the joy of planning, I can create Plan A, Plan B and move my way through to Plan J just so that I am truly prepared for whatever may happen.  However, lately, I have been hesitant to do much planning.  Whether it is making plans with a girlfriend for lunch or summer vacation plans as a family, I find myself putting off the plans.

I'm not sure if this lack of planning is a result of life experience or just uncertainty.  I am deeply familiar and appreciative of the well-worn quote:

"(Wo)Man plans and God laughs."

For almost two years now, we have felt a passionate calling to expand our family.  Each decision we make seems to put us farther away from adding children to our family.  We are still hopeful for that phone call and match.  And, so I wait...feeling powerless to plan because I don't know what the next day, week or month may or may not hold.

While I believe that this may be part of my hesitation to make plans, it isn't the sole reason.  I think a bigger piece is the on-going daily reminders that I can only plan and prepare for so much.  Even Plan Z won't cover the chaos that is a normal and natural part of living life as a human being with a husband, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc.  Today is a perfect (although extreme) example.

Plan A was fully in affect and going beautifully.  We have been saving money over the past year so that we could buy a boat for our family.  Brian has very fond memories of spending time with his family on the lake during his teen years and we wanted to provide similar opportunities for our kids.  We finally had the savings and the right boat came along.  Brian picked it up and brought it home on Thursday. 

This morning, the kids got up and jumped on getting chores and homework completed.  We were like a fine-tuned machine.  Teamwork was happening all over the house.   Lunch was done and we were on the lake by early afternoon.  The weather was beautiful and the kids having a blast.  It was everything that we had hoped it would be for the Roesler family.  Then, Plan A derailed.

It derailed when Brian leaped out of the boat, his feet slipped out from under him and he fell on the dock at the boat ramp.  It further derailed when his arm made impact with a mooring cleat.  The clean fracture through his humerus bone (which I have been assured on a number of occasions this evening is not funny AT ALL) in his left arm left us without a plan at all.

And, it was at this point of having absolutely NO plan that God worked His plan.  I loudly announced, "I can't do this alone.  I need help."  And, 4 wonderful strangers stepped forward to help me and the kids.  They backed the truck down and loaded up the boat.  My 4 beautiful children without complaint (a miracle in itself, may I say?!?) packed up the life vests, deflated the tubes, and unloaded the cooler and towels.  We were in the truck and driving towards the ER in 20 minutes flat.  When God has a plan, it moves fast!

When I am without a plan, I move into a heightened state of alertness.  I have this adrenaline rush and I feel like a tightrope walker moving without a net.  Isaac took his dad into the ER while I headed home with the other three children.  On the drive, I dished out orders to the remaining three children on the newest Plan A for the night.  I have discovered in these moments that telling them "do whatever you think God wants you to do right now" does not meet my lowered standards of a "successful evening."  But, with that said, I do believe that God gives me the right words to say...if He didn't, I wouldn't deliver my lines calmly and clearly!

After they put Brian's arm in a splint and sent us home for the night, we return to a home with 4 clean children reading in their beds.  New memories were made, today, for sure!  They weren't entirely the memories that we were hoping to make, but many of them have been.  While Brian is enduring the discomfort created by a new break and good drugs, I am left enduring the discomfort that comes by being reminded that I cannot plan for everything....and, I don't want to.  God's plan showed me how He provides for my every need...especially when I ask Him.

So, I think it is safe to give forewarning to all those with whom I have plans this week that our plans are off for now.  I'm off to a new plan...and, so far, I am fairly sure it involves a trip to the hospital tomorrow for Brian's surgery and then wherever God leads from there.  But first, I'm heading to bed so that I can be prepared for tomorrow's tightrope walk.

And Life Goes On...

And so life goes on..Most often when I try to explain life at our home, I am struck by how chaotic and insane I sound describing it.  And, yet, as this picture shows, we are continually moving forward at the pace of life with four beautiful, creative and entertaining children.

I don't pretend to understand how I was so blessed to have these four little beings as a part of my life.  And, I feel that time has sped up over the past three years.  They have gone from little kids to pre-adolescents and big kids.  Instead of changing diapers, we are investing in body spray and deodorant.  We have gone from bandaging skinned knees to talking through broken hearts.  They still need a mom, but my role has changed...and the entertainment value has also stepped up a few notches, too!

I have spent much of my life "getting through" this crisis and that crisis.  My motivation was often the next event or an anticipated break.  While nursing, I daydreamed about the freedom that would come with bottles and solid food.  When the kids were in diapers, I eagerly awaited the reprieve of potty training being finished.  I have come to realize that by rushing towards to next "milestones," I have forgotten to savor the season of life that I am living. 

This is a message that I frequently need to be reminded.  Too often, I stick my to-do list and pushing forward to the agenda of our schedule, chores and the basics of daily life.  But, I was recently reminded by a good friend that God is NOT going to ask me about how clean my floor was kept.  I had to begin to slow down and let some things "go."  And, she was right.  Tomorrow is another day filled with "to-dos" and, as I have learned, it will come all too quickly.

So, today, I sit on a dirty floor with the head of our dog in my lap.  I could wish him to hurry up and heal from his surgery, today.  But, instead, I pet his head and help my son put on his cone.  Today, I have dirty dishes on the counter, but I jumped on the trampoline until my bladder said it was time to stop.  Today, I am going to join my husband on the couch and watch t.v. and simply "be" with him. 

And life will and does go on...