Am I Some Kind of Freak?

Some days as I look at the world around me, I feel out of place...as if I don’t “belong” or fit in anywhere.  

I’m not sure I could count how many people I know that are struggling in their marriage, or who have been

though a painful divorce.  I know there are many reasons why, and why I can have sympathy for them, I have never been able to have empathy for them.  I have never identified with the feelings they must have toward their spouse and marriage.  I am happy...Wait! MORE than happy..I am euphoric in my marriage.  I love my wife more than words can describe.  I can not imagine a scenario that would lead me to wanting out.

Does that make me some kind of freak?

So many of my military brothers and sisters have (and continue to) struggle with their service oversees.  We went through the same things together.  We have done and experienced terrible things in the name of “serving our country” and “freedom.”  Many others continue to be plagued with nightmares, anxiety, and are struggling to find their way in “the real world.”  And for far too many, this struggle has been more than they could bear.  But every day, I find it more difficult to identify with those feelings.  Sure, I have a few scars.  Sure, I had some “adjusting” do to once we came home.  And, every once in a while, I spend a quick minute “back there.”  But, I have moved on.  I don’t regret any of it.  There is no anchor around my neck, and no ghost hanging around.  Somehow, those experiences have just passed as “one more part of my life” now in the past.  

What does that mean, am I too cold-hearted to be plagued by the things I’ve done?

Family can be crazy.  I think we all have a few nuts in the family tree.  I have seen many friends missing out on relationships with siblings and parents.  Divided by one subject or another and sometimes it’s as if they have deleted someone from their life.   But I love all the crazy people in my life.  No, we don’t always agree, and I don’t always “like” the choices they make, but I would never want to be without them.  

Does that make me weird?

And to be a father.  It is awesome!  I recently met one of the other baseball dads.  I think he was too busy  talking with his girlfriend (and trashing his wife) to pay any attention to his son on the field.  I see dads every day who care more about the car they drive and their new skinny jeans, than they do about their own children.  But, I think my kids are the greatest treasure I could ever imagine.  (Second only to my wife, of course!)  I love their smiles and their laughs.  I love their

quick wit and sarcasm.  I love that sometimes they are exhausting and I feel like I can’t keep up.  No matter what decisions I am faced with, I can’t help but think how my choices will affect them.  I have never pursued a “career path” only the opportunity to better provide for my children.  I think being a dad is the greatest calling of all.

Am I the only one?

I hope my thoughts are not perceived as judgment of others.  I love my friends and family, and have always tried to support them in whatever place they are in life.  This is not about anyone but me.  The journey of adoption forces introspection.  Self-evaluation of our most secretive emotions.  

And these are the things I struggle with.

Maybe I’m not a freak?  Maybe I am on the path that God has set before me?  This is what I hope.  This is what I pray. 

(If only there were a “voice over” to tell me.)

This is Really Uncomfortable

Can I simply state the obvious?

This is really uncomfortable.

As a matter of fact, it is so uncomfortable that instead of writing about this yesterday, I choose to go the "safe" route and share about family and my continual desire to overcome my Type A+++++ personality.  But, after a sleepless night feeling the discomfort...I knew I needed to address this simple fact:

This is really uncomfortable.

Brian and I have prided ourselves on being able to provide for our family.  The few times we have had to ask family for financial help have been out of desperation...and, it was always a loan.  This time, we are asking for financial help and we know it's not a loan.  I worry about what you might think...the friendships that will be strained and the family members who may pull away.  It is our deepest desire that those who feel called to give will do so.  But, our feelings for you will not be changed based on your financial gift or lack thereof.  How do we walk this path and share honestly about our needs without pushing people away and making them feel uncomfortable?  The whole topic of the finances of this adoption keeps us on our knees in prayer.  We know that God will provide, and we are seeking clarity as the best ways to move forward.  However,

This is really uncomfortable.

While Brian and I are pretty open about our lives, our family and our faith journeys, we feel like a layer of skin has been rubbed away and we are left feeling raw and exposed as we share through this blog.  This is a huge leap of faith for us (as we have shared) and we cannot gauge your response this way.  Yet, we believe that by sharing our journey, we can help others to step out in faith.  So, each entry is read, analyze, edited and re-read again to the point of obsessiveness.  Are we being clear?  Have we conveyed our passion to do God's will in our lives?  Are we being truthful and real?

This is really uncomfortable.

We don't know the timeline and how this journey will play out.  At step 2, we wait for the Home Study Process to begin.  This can take anywhere from a month to three months.  During this period of waiting, we need to get our profile book ready.  This is a photo album and biography of our family to share with prospective adoption situations.  We also need to secure our financial backing.  Once we have a completed home study, we will be able to start sharing our profile book with expectant mothers and other adoption agencies.  We could have a placement as quickly as a few weeks from going "active" to a year later.  We simply don't know how long we will be waiting both to raise the funds we need as well as find God's match for our family.  There is both a sense of urgency to act as well as the calm that comes from knowing that there is plenty of time and things will happen on God's timing not ours.  Those two are dramatically different emotions and take turns dominating.

This is really uncomfortable.

I shared with a number of people yesterday that I was feeling "on edge."  Then, I read a Facebook post by a friend, Di Rothman:

When we feel under-qualified and overwhelmed, 

that is when God has us right where he wants us. 

That is when we need Him.

This is so very true to our journey right now.  I have never clung more tightly to God's promises and loving presence than right now.

And, it is through this time of being uncomfortable that I can feel the most growth happening in my soul.  I'm confident that a person has to be in a place of discomfort before she can change.  Isn't this true with "growing pains?"  It has been many years since I have had a growth spurt, but I have watched our children.  They lay in bed and wriggle around...there is sometimes tears as it hurts.  But without those pains, they wouldn't be gaining on me (and at least two have passed me up)!

We have also witnessed this discomfort when taking youth and adults to Haiti.  It is often as they stand in the slums of Cite Solei and are stripped of all that identifies them as parent/child/employee/friend they are forced to a place of discomfort:  Who am I really when faced with extreme poverty?  What am I to do here?  It is this time of discomfort that leads to growing as the servant God has called them to be.

I know that being uncomfortable leads to growth...to change...to life-altering, mind-blowing opportunities to be the woman God has called me to be.  And, while I pray that our blogs and our journey would never leave you feeling uncomfortable, I do pray that your journey and that path that God calls you to take will leave you saying:

This is really uncomfortable.

Another Step Closer

A week ago Monday, we sent off the paperwork and payment for our Home Study with Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.  Another step in the process.  This one involved answering essay questions, sharing our financials as well as family make-up.  Each step is an emotional journey.  The frustration of answering the same/similar questions...again.  The panic of writing another large check.  There is a quickening of my pulse as I seal the envelope.  The anxiety of getting it to the post office and the relief of handing it off to the mail clerk and knowing it is on its way. The wave of peace that comes knowing we are another step closer on this journey.

And, life continues on.  Each day is a combination of "must-dos, try-to-dos, and going-to-dos."

There are the '"must-dos:  laundry, cleaning, laundry, taxi service, making meals, grocery shopping, paying bills, dishes, homework, and more laundry.

The "try-to-dos:" de-cluttering our home (can I simply say that 7 people have LOTS of stuff...and, not everything is a treasure?!), couponing, meal planning, phone calls with family and friends, e-mails, fundraising for the adoption, spring cleaning (don't look inside our fridge....please), scrapbooks, adoption paperwork & reading, decorate or un-decorate depending on the holiday or season, thank you notes and so much, much more.

Then, there is the "going-to-dos:" this is the category where the majority of my life happens...the living in the moment of being a mom of 5 dynamic, energetic kids.

I'm going to be honest, people.  There are still Christmas decorations hanging in my home.  And, as you can see, it isn't actually hanging fully on the wall anymore!  It is like a constant reminder that my "to-do" list is NOT getting done.

There was a time in my life, that this would have really, really bothered me.  I am a Type A++++++++++ and working my recovery steps.  In the not-so-distant-past, I would have forgone sleep, time with my family, exercising and quiet time in order to finish taking down the Christmas decorations, organizing the pantry, cleaning out the fridge and responding to phone calls and e-mails.

However, I have come to realize that now:

I have to make time to get dirty.  Messy floors will eventually get clean.  But this day's "going-to-do" had to be homemade silky playdough.

I have to make time to enjoy my daughters' piano teacher's senior recital and appreciate God's gifts of amazing talent, drive and passion.  Homework and chores can wait.  An outing with my girls was this day's "going-to-do."

I have to make the most of sunshine, warm temps and parks.  I am all to aware that soon enough he won't want to play at the park with me...and, may someday pretend to not even recognize me!  This day's "going-to-do" had to be a trip to the park.

I have to endure...and enjoy Carnival Night Fundraisers at our kids' school.  There is nothing like a good, healthy belly laugh while watching my kids compete with floor scooters and plungers.  Yes.  Everyone cheated...but, Isaac is the best cheater.  I'm a proud momma?!  

I have to seize the opportunity for a date night with my hubby any chance I can get...even if it is sitting on cold bleachers in the rain.  Added bonus, seeing Jayden play the sport he loves with a passion.  

I have to make time to decorate bedrooms and create "sanity space" for Hannah.  Working with her to organize, de-clutter and decorate her space creates moments for both of us to learn, grow and shine.  We clearly have very different tastes, and I have also learned the art of compromise and negotiation.

I need to make room for zuberts (sp?), giggles and tickle sessions.

I need to be open to a wheat berry table in my kitchen...with wheat berries all over the floor.  Messy is okay.  Creating learning experiences are a daily "going-to-do" that will trump my "to-do" list every time.

I need to seize the moment when my teenager agrees to take a walk and talk with me.  Those moments are too few and precious.  Always a "going-to-do" for any day.

I need to enjoy watching my children love each other and absorb those moments into a long-term memory bank.  As other parents know, too much of my day is consumed with referring arguments.  Any moments of harmony will be enjoyed as a "going-to-do" for any day.

My newest lesson (as of yesterday), I need to have more surprises and fun with my kids.  These balloons are waiting for Jayden to celebrate April Fool's Day.  Having time to be silly needs to be a "going-to-do" for me.

Today, my "going-to-do" was to make a cheese cake for my hubby.  He wouldn't care if we celebrated his birthday or not.  But, it is important for me to celebrate the dad and husband he is...and making it through another year with me!

I'm not reformed from my "Type A ways" by any stretch of the imagination.  My family can attest that there are still chore lists to finish and schedules to keep.  However, I'm learning that life is more about patience and strength for the journey than the satisfaction of my boxes all checked.

And, throughout all of this, we continue to have the pull to adopt and add to our family.  Some days, it is only a whisper of a thought.  Other days, it is an overwhelming feeling as I try to navigate how to plan our summer or think of new ways to raise funds.  Some days, the process is a "must-do" as we need to gather photos for our profile book or finish plates/mugs or scarves.  Other days, the process is a "try-to-do" as other things become more pressing "must-dos."  Then, there is today, where my heart cried out to share our journey with you through this blog.  Today, it is a "going-to-do."

We are so very grateful to have so many friends and family joining us in this journey.  Thank you for your continual support both through your prayers and financially.  We know that this process is all in God's hands, but the adventure is made so much better when we are surrounded by such a wonderful cloud of witnesses and prayer warriors.

And, now to return to the "to-do" list....wait.  I hear the bus coming....