I find myself, today, in a bit of a melancholy mood. It really isn't like me. For the most part, I would describe myself as "high-energy" and "positive." But, even with the sun shining and a beautiful breeze, I can't shake the dark cloud that seems to surround me.
So, I am sitting outside on my front porch. I have recently been reintroduced to this space in my home. Our Realtor called it "folksy" and "southern." She said it was cute and a nice space to showcase for "curb appeal." But, this front porch is more than that to me.
When we moved here, I wanted a front porch because of all the good books I've read from other time periods. The stories are filled with warm summer nights where the family gathered on the porch. The married couple would sit and talk while the children played in the neighborhood. Friends and neighbors stopped by to share news of life events. I had this romantic notion that if I had a front porch, our family would sit here and recreate these nostalgic scenes.
But, in the past four and a half years, we have never sat here as a family. That doesn't mean that there aren't memories here, though. They just look different than the ones I thought we'd create. Our kids have sat out here from time to time with each other and with their friends. If I sit still long enough, I can almost recreate the sounds of their laughter and giggles. I can see myself telling Emma to stop sitting on the railing and Jayden to stop jumping off of it (for the thousandth time). The swing moves in the breeze where Jayden and I practiced reading. What a blessing to have a place where he could be moving while learning! I've waited for my kids to get off the bus on this front porch and still find myself amazed that they are no longer coming off the kindergarten bus. Now, I wait with Elijah for the bus while we giggle and sing.
This front porch is a place where we have waited. Waited for the bus. Waited for the phone call. Waited for a ride. Waited for Brian to get home from work. And now, I wait for them to put the "for sale" sign in the front yard.
The memories we have created here I could have never have imagined when we decided to buy this home. But, they are the memories that I treasure. And, the memory-making on this front porch isn't done. Maybe part of my gloomy mood is that this is where I will be sitting on the last day of school when my kids step off this bus for the last time. It is here where we will close another chapter of their school years. And, it is here where they may shed a few tears knowing that the end-of-the-year good-byes are more permanent this time. It is from this front porch we will watch the moving van be loaded and drive away. It is from here I will feel my children's pain at leaving and know that no matter how great the upcoming adventure may be, I cannot stop the feelings of sadness and anxiety.
So, for just a little while, I'm putting aside the never-ending to-do list. And, I will enjoy a few more hours on my folksy, southern front porch. Maybe, I will even pretend I'm a proper southern girl and make myself some sweet tea. And, for now, I will choose to just wait and listen.
Brian & Tobi
