This is really uncomfortable.
As a matter of fact, it is so uncomfortable that instead of writing about this yesterday, I choose to go the "safe" route and share about family and my continual desire to overcome my Type A+++++ personality. But, after a sleepless night feeling the discomfort...I knew I needed to address this simple fact:
This is really uncomfortable.
Brian and I have prided ourselves on being able to provide for our family. The few times we have had to ask family for financial help have been out of desperation...and, it was always a loan. This time, we are asking for financial help and we know it's not a loan. I worry about what you might think...the friendships that will be strained and the family members who may pull away. It is our deepest desire that those who feel called to give will do so. But, our feelings for you will not be changed based on your financial gift or lack thereof. How do we walk this path and share honestly about our needs without pushing people away and making them feel uncomfortable? The whole topic of the finances of this adoption keeps us on our knees in prayer. We know that God will provide, and we are seeking clarity as the best ways to move forward. However,
This is really uncomfortable.
While Brian and I are pretty open about our lives, our family and our faith journeys, we feel like a layer of skin has been rubbed away and we are left feeling raw and exposed as we share through this blog. This is a huge leap of faith for us (as we have shared) and we cannot gauge your response this way. Yet, we believe that by sharing our journey, we can help others to step out in faith. So, each entry is read, analyze, edited and re-read again to the point of obsessiveness. Are we being clear? Have we conveyed our passion to do God's will in our lives? Are we being truthful and real?
This is really uncomfortable.
We don't know the timeline and how this journey will play out. At step 2, we wait for the Home Study Process to begin. This can take anywhere from a month to three months. During this period of waiting, we need to get our profile book ready. This is a photo album and biography of our family to share with prospective adoption situations. We also need to secure our financial backing. Once we have a completed home study, we will be able to start sharing our profile book with expectant mothers and other adoption agencies. We could have a placement as quickly as a few weeks from going "active" to a year later. We simply don't know how long we will be waiting both to raise the funds we need as well as find God's match for our family. There is both a sense of urgency to act as well as the calm that comes from knowing that there is plenty of time and things will happen on God's timing not ours. Those two are dramatically different emotions and take turns dominating.
This is really uncomfortable.
I shared with a number of people yesterday that I was feeling "on edge." Then, I read a Facebook post by a friend, Di Rothman:
When we feel under-qualified and overwhelmed,
that is when God has us right where he wants us.
That is when we need Him.
This is so very true to our journey right now. I have never clung more tightly to God's promises and loving presence than right now.
And, it is through this time of being uncomfortable that I can feel the most growth happening in my soul. I'm confident that a person has to be in a place of discomfort before she can change. Isn't this true with "growing pains?" It has been many years since I have had a growth spurt, but I have watched our children. They lay in bed and wriggle around...there is sometimes tears as it hurts. But without those pains, they wouldn't be gaining on me (and at least two have passed me up)!
We have also witnessed this discomfort when taking youth and adults to Haiti. It is often as they stand in the slums of Cite Solei and are stripped of all that identifies them as parent/child/employee/friend they are forced to a place of discomfort: Who am I really when faced with extreme poverty? What am I to do here? It is this time of discomfort that leads to growing as the servant God has called them to be.
I know that being uncomfortable leads to growth...to change...to life-altering, mind-blowing opportunities to be the woman God has called me to be. And, while I pray that our blogs and our journey would never leave you feeling uncomfortable, I do pray that your journey and that path that God calls you to take will leave you saying:
This is really uncomfortable.
