My Questions...that I don't dare ACTUALLY Ask

I find that much of my parenting comes down to correctly determining what I should say and what I should NOT say. After a summer of quality time with our children, I have many questions that I've wanted and yearned to ask...but, have determined that they would either lead our children to more time in therapy or simply not earn a satisfactory response for me. Here's just a few from my list:

• Are you telling me that your God-given brain is unable to trigger a desire in you to CHANGE an EMPTY toilet-paper roll with a roll that actually HAS toilet paper? And, when did paper towels become a satisfactory substitute for you? Did that do you (or the toilet) any good?!?
• Why should I know where your stuff is? Isn't that the point of it being YOUR stuff?
• Is it really the best plan to simply stand where you are at and scream my name? I only have 2 or 3 places that I "hang-out" in our home. Would it kill you to visit the laundry room, kitchen and bathroom before hollering for me? I realize that it is easier to have me come to you...but, it can't be a pleasant reunion for you when I snap at you. Even a rat recognizes that negative reinforcement is something to avoid.
• Do you believe that I am listening to you when you begin talking to me WHILE I'm on the phone? Is there some type of magnet in your brain that goes off when the phone rings that makes you feel an uncontrollable need to talk to me right then? Maybe we need to work more on delayed gratification...
• You may believe that you are being sneaky...or clever even. But, could you for 2 seconds remember that I was once a child who also attempted to be sneaky and clever? I have anticipated your move (I hope) and don't even try to use those big eyes on me. Your busted...I am NOT as old and out of touch as you believe me to be!
• On that note, I realize that it is important to have a certain public appearance. But, do you have to tell me what to wear and how to behave when we might run into friends of yours? Just know that I will embarrass you. Consider it payback.
• Do you really have to "poke the bear" and excite your siblings with your annoying noises? If they tell you to stop touching them, couldn't you consider stopping? I realize that this question can be posed to all 4 children on separate occasions...but, "they did it first" is NOT an acceptable argument. Isn't it time to try something new? Remember, even rats learn that negative reinforcement isn't nearly as great as positive!

I realize that all parents have frustrations. And, I recognize that this is part of being human...and loving your kids. But, more than not, I find myself asking...."Really?!?"