Never Forgotten

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of the death of two soldiers and friends in Brian's battalian while serving in Iraq.  We sat at dinner this evening trying to remember the timeline of how everything unfolded.  In just 4 years, so many details have already been forgotten...but, the emotions still remain strong and real.  Brian's pain at having lost friends is still as real today as it was then, although the sting has been softened by time.  My feelings of relief that it wasn't "my guy" and then the panic that it could have been is still real as well.

I joked with a friend, today, that I like to "reinvent" myself about every 2 - 3 years.  It was my glib explanation for the numerous jobs and hobbies I have held over the past 10 years.  However, even with each move or new introduction, I find that my identity as an army wife is one of the first things that I feel the need to share.  I find myself telling about the 3 deployments with pride.

I am so very proud of Brian and his service.  The sacrifice he has made both with the conditions and experiences overseas as well as missing the births of two of our children is huge!  There is a popular e-mail that has gone around that shows soldiers and their living/working conditions overseas and parallels that to life here in the USA.  The summation of the e-mail is that a soldier finds it hard to feel sympathy for the "average" person's complaints.  I think that rings true for Brian.  Although he would be the last person to say it, Brian is fed up hearing about long working days that are only 9 or 10 hours long.  He has gone days without sleep in order to accomplish a mission.  When Em complains about dinner, Brian states she should simply be glad for warm food.  Clearly, he has had enough MREs to last a lifetime!  There are the subtle (and obvious) ways that military life has change Brian...but, he is still ready to serve.  He'd go again if it were asked of him.  That dedication and passion is what I love about him.

I am so very proud of my children and their appreciation for their Dad's service and sacrifice.  You know you are a part of a military family when your children can name all the army vehicles, weapons and countries that have been a part of their Dad's missions.  But, it is also more than that.  Throughout the 4 years that Brian has been gone (over 3 deployments), they have felt the pain of a missing parent.  Isaac especially knows what it is like to have a dad gone for 1/2 of the first 6 years of your life.  But, he can tell you that his dad was over providing safety for those who couldn't protect themselves.  And, they are proud to have been their dad's cheerleader & support.  And, our kids get it - there are some things that are worth sacrificing and even some are worth dying for.

And, although an unpopular thing to say, I am proud of myself.  I took care of the "home front."  I was able to be more than a victim of a difficult situation...but, to be an advocate for my husband and other military families.  It is something that marks me as unique and a survivor.

With that said, there is another motive for sharing my identity as a military wife.  It is to remind others of the uncomfortable truth that I am the face of a military wife.  My children paid the price so that my husband could defend their freedom.  It isn't that anyone owes us anything.  My point is to bring this war into reality.  I hope by meeting me I can put feelings and emotions to the images that others merely experience through their newspapers or television sets.

When Brian was gone, I had the privileged to speak before a number of service organizations.  I would begin each time with the following:

"Each day, you have the choice whether to think about or even care that our nation is at war.  I do not have that luxury.  Each newscast is a personal update.  I wait to hear my husband's unit location, familiar city names or casualty updates.  Every phone call makes me stop and ponder who would be calling at this hour.  I open my e-mail praying that today might be the day I will hear from him and know he is okay.  Each time I pass his clothes in our closet, I am reminded that he is wearing fatigues that most likely need cleaning.  When I set the table, his seat remains empty and I worry that he won't take time to eat that day.  And, every night as I tuck our children into bed, I ache knowing that he isn't there to kiss their heads and I pray that he takes the time to rest his own head.

Unlike during WWII, we do not commit ourselves as a nation to sacrifice on behalf of our soldiers.  There are no freedom gardens or gas vouchers.  It is less than 5 percent of our nation's population and their families that are on the "front-lines."

I am reminded on this 4th anniversary of SFC Scott Nicely and Sgt Kampha Sourivong death in Iraq, not much has changed.  Our nation remains at war.  Soldiers and their families are still sacrificing for our nation.  But, for me, I have changed...but I have not forgotten. 

Living at the Speed of My Drying Rack

For the second time in a matter of weeks my dryer broke.  The timing always is bad to have something like an appliance "take a break."  But, the opportunity to wash my clothes and then actually wait to have them dry naturally gave me reason to pause.  When was the last time life actually moved at this pace? 

I have memories of my mom hanging laundry out to dry when I was growing up.  I think I actually tried to do it myself in the earlier years of our marriage.  But, the convenience of throwing those wet clothes into a dryer and having them soft and dry in less than an hour has truly been my drying method of choice.  Seriously, when it comes to underwear, you don't want that crisp, clean feel of line-dried clothes!

However, with the speeding up of modern conveniences, we have sped up our lives.  I can't remember the last time I slowed down and really thought about the task I was doing.  Because line-drying our clothes was new to me, it made me slow down.  As I would hang up the various types, sizes and textures of clothes, I found myself thinking about the different child or adult who wore that item.  Where did they wear it?  What did we do?  It gave me a reason to slow down.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't enjoy this task so much that I have decided to give up my dryer.  I think I actually may have freaked out the repairman with how incredibly excited I was to see him!  But, this slow down coupled with the anniversary of 9/11 has made me reconsider seriously the pace in which we are living life.

I think that today is an excellent day to start living at the speed of my drying rack....maybe we'll just go sit in the sun for a while...

My Questions...that I don't dare ACTUALLY Ask

I find that much of my parenting comes down to correctly determining what I should say and what I should NOT say. After a summer of quality time with our children, I have many questions that I've wanted and yearned to ask...but, have determined that they would either lead our children to more time in therapy or simply not earn a satisfactory response for me. Here's just a few from my list:

• Are you telling me that your God-given brain is unable to trigger a desire in you to CHANGE an EMPTY toilet-paper roll with a roll that actually HAS toilet paper? And, when did paper towels become a satisfactory substitute for you? Did that do you (or the toilet) any good?!?
• Why should I know where your stuff is? Isn't that the point of it being YOUR stuff?
• Is it really the best plan to simply stand where you are at and scream my name? I only have 2 or 3 places that I "hang-out" in our home. Would it kill you to visit the laundry room, kitchen and bathroom before hollering for me? I realize that it is easier to have me come to you...but, it can't be a pleasant reunion for you when I snap at you. Even a rat recognizes that negative reinforcement is something to avoid.
• Do you believe that I am listening to you when you begin talking to me WHILE I'm on the phone? Is there some type of magnet in your brain that goes off when the phone rings that makes you feel an uncontrollable need to talk to me right then? Maybe we need to work more on delayed gratification...
• You may believe that you are being sneaky...or clever even. But, could you for 2 seconds remember that I was once a child who also attempted to be sneaky and clever? I have anticipated your move (I hope) and don't even try to use those big eyes on me. Your busted...I am NOT as old and out of touch as you believe me to be!
• On that note, I realize that it is important to have a certain public appearance. But, do you have to tell me what to wear and how to behave when we might run into friends of yours? Just know that I will embarrass you. Consider it payback.
• Do you really have to "poke the bear" and excite your siblings with your annoying noises? If they tell you to stop touching them, couldn't you consider stopping? I realize that this question can be posed to all 4 children on separate occasions...but, "they did it first" is NOT an acceptable argument. Isn't it time to try something new? Remember, even rats learn that negative reinforcement isn't nearly as great as positive!

I realize that all parents have frustrations. And, I recognize that this is part of being human...and loving your kids. But, more than not, I find myself asking...."Really?!?"