Sporadic thoughts, tonight, friends...I am at camp with kids from church and decided to put down the thoughts in my head. It isn't perfect...but, it is here:
We only recently added a DVR to the workings of our home. I love that you can zoom through commercials and "sappy" parts (per the boys' request). It is this zooming sensation that struck me this weekend as I looked at our 4 kids. Time must have zoomed...because these beings are not little kids any more!
I cannot count the number of times I have heard "treasure these moments because they go by too fast" and variations on this theme. I can honestly say that when the children were newborn, 13 months, 3 years and 4 years of age, I was praying that they would move by more quickly! Between sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed by life, I simply could not imagine a time that didn't revolve around changing diapers, feedings and constantly being late for something! But, as with all things, life does change.
And, now I am struck at the changes in each of our children. Isaac has become this pre-teen with an awesome sense of humor. I am not sure when he and I became able to see eye-to-eye...and not figuratively. He can actually meet me eye for eye if I'm not standing up straight! Isaac has started to view life through his own lense of right and wrong. I know that it is just the beginning of my opinions and views being challenged...but, I still am in awe at his well-reasoned opinions.
I find myself staring at Emma. The music plays from Fiddler on the Roof....When did she get to be a beauty...when did he grow to be so tall...She still has braces and her mother's grace (which lead her mother to breaking her leg falling down the stairs and so many other "grace-filled moments"), but she carries herself as a pre-teen girl. Who is this youngster who can talk to me about the pros and cons of attending a new school using words like academic career and increased learning potential?
And, yet the irony remains that I don't feel old enough to be their mother. The mirror indicates otherwise, of course. There are age spots and the beginnings of wrinkles...not to mention gray hair...that has prevented me from being carded for over 15 years. But, I still feel like I'm 20 with the world ahead of me of conquer.
Maybe it is this irony that leads me to want to not only savor each moment with my children but also to have more children. On the one hand, I recognize that this moment with them is passing me by...the sounds of their voices, the way they look, or the activity we are sharing...it is all temporary. But, thank God I have these moments to treasure! And, on the other hand, I still have the energy and passion to expand our family and share our family with another little baby. It isn't nostalgia. I know that the moments and milestones that we have had with each of our children were and are unique and special. And, I cherish them...but, I still long for more.
So, tonight, as I head to bed, I pray this prayer of extreme faith: "Not my will but your will, Lord. Help me to cherish today and have the confidence that tomorrow will be filled with your blessings (and may I not fast forward through the best moments or just check out!). Amen."
Brian & Tobi
