I have been blessed to live my entire life knowing Jesus. My dad was my pastor and my mom our church organist and choir director. Church life was all I ever knew and it translated into my life passion of being an active member of a church family. It is among my community of faith I feel most connected and closest to Jesus.
So, it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that God has been walking throughout this adoption journey with me. Yet, I doubted...struggled...argued with a God I saw increasingly as distant and unapproachable.
For the past five years, Brian and I have prayed for an addition or two (still praying for at least 2!) to our already large and lively family. My heart ached as I looked around the table and knew that their were faces missing. The house seemed to pound out the heart beat of someone who wasn't here. I couldn't understand. Where was the little body to go with the ghost-like presence that moved throughout our home?
Then, God showed up.
The call came to Brian first. He heard the caseworker's description of this special needs child in Florida who needed a forever family. Instantly, Brian said yes when in every other similar situation he had been hesitant and resistant. This time, Brian said yes and our family profile was shared with the birth mother. Within 24 hours, this beautiful young woman had chosen our family to place her precious child. The phone call came to me from our caseworker to say, "Congratulations! You have a son!" Immediately, I went into shock. Worry filled my mind and plagued my thoughts. What have we done? How can we leave by the end of the week to meet this baby?
Then, God showed up.
I sat down at the dining room table in my parent's home. Unprepared and terribly overwhelmed, I told our 4 children, my brothers, sister and my parents that we were adopting a baby boy. The kids responded with joy, nervousness, and excitement. My siblings connected one-on-one with our kids to make sure they were okay and talked through their initial feelings. In awe, I witnessed the hands and feet of Jesus reach out in joy to the 5 of us. There was no judgement. Simply, there was joy and a unifying spirit of "we can do this together." I can honestly say that our family deals with crisis beautifully. Truly a blessing from God.
My dad and mom went to work rearranging their schedules so that they could come to our home and stay with our kids while Brian and I traveled to Florida. A good friend stepped up to transport our kids to school and readily invited them to share with her their worries and concerns while we were away. The presence of God was real and comforting. And, yet still I worried. The doctor shared genetic diagnosis concerns and the social worker shared financial concerns that we knew nothing about when we gave our initial "yes." I began to doubt that this was going to be such a great fit. What happens if we see him and I can't bring myself to love him? Is it too late to back out?
Then, God showed up.
My loving, confident husband held my hand the entire time we flew from Minneapolis to Florida. He made sure I had food...big "must-have" to keep me sane! Brian listened to my concerns and continued to repeat that we were going to be okay. We arrived at our hotel at 1:30 in the morning. It was a fitful night of sleep as I woke again and again to the whispers of doubt and despair only to find comfort from Brian's whispered, "it is going to be okay." I dressed the next morning convinced that we were going to meet with the social worker and figure out that this was all one big mistake. I'd be on a plane and headed home before nightfall.
Then, God showed up.
The caseworker in Florida was incredibly warm and understanding. She didn't find my abrupt questions upon meeting to deter her from loving us into meeting Elijah. She didn't even tell me to "shut up" and "chill out" even though she had the right! We were on our way to the hospital before I had time to think. And, as we arrived in the NICU, the nurse handed over baby Elijah into my arms. My mind went blank. My eyes filled with tears. A voice filled my head. "This is your child...and, don't you forget it!" I looked to Brian and he said, "So?" All I could do was nod. This baby was ours.
But, now came the emotional struggles of worrying about how to care for Elijah's unique needs. The concerns about how he was going to be cared for while we were gone. And, the heartache of knowing that we had only a precious 48 hours until we had to come home.
Then, God showed up.
The nurses, doctor and nurse practitioner showed us how much they loved Elijah. They literally know him inside and out! They gave us phone numbers to call and encouraged us to call anytime...day or night. We knew that Elijah would not go without anything during our absence and so we headed to catch an early morning flight. It was time to return home and prepare for Elijah's arrival.
The financial burden of adoption has caused me to worry (an understatement, really). And, so, we have been extra cautious as we look at the things that we need for a new baby. We gave away everything from Jayden and are starting "fresh." Where would the money come for all this?
Then, God showed up.
While my mind was still reeling with the every-lengthening list of "must-haves", Brian's sister called. She was sending us a car seat and a box of "odds-n-ends." I didn't even think about having a car seat when I returned to pick up Elijah! My cousin called and offered hand-me-downs to borrow from her son and Fed-Exed them to me so I'd have them for the trip back. A good friend came by with a huge bag of goodies from Target complete with a box of diapers. Other friends have brought clothes, burp clothes, and blankets.
On Sunday night, Brian and I decided we wanted to start Elijah in a bassinet due to his small size and wanting to have him in our bedroom. Monday morning, Brian's co-worker came into his office and offered him a bassinet that they had from their youngest. They are also gifting us a bouncy seat and more. Each need we have encountered has been met before we have even put the plan in action as to how to get it!
I am in awe. These are not the actions of a God who is distant or uncaring. Clearly, this is the on-going proof of a God who is hands-on in my life. The key to seeing when God is showing up is to not expect him to show-up on my timeline or according to my agenda. As a planner, this lesson has been a tough one to learn. But, thank God, it was a lesson that I won't soon forget.
So, for now, as I fill out grant paperwork and prepare to head back to Florida, I set aside the worries. For now, I chose to simply bask in God's blessings and anxiously await the next moment when God will show up.
Brian & Tobi
