Okay. If the speaker can't maintain balance, then the good news is that I am NOT alone. The bad news is that there doesn't seem to be any woman who has succeeded in discovering AND maintaining balance...at least not while there are children to raise, husbands (need I say more?), a career, volunteering, and so much more that needs to be done (and I didn't even mention housework and more importantly, time for friends!).
So, I began to struggle with the term "wonky." I liked her definition: when life has arrived at a place that is out of balance often resulting in breakdowns in her closet crying on the floor. This seemed like a definition I could get behind and relate to my current circumstances. However, "wonky" seems all too close to "dorky" for me to claim it as a term to define me. And, the more I struggled to get a grip on the chaos that makes-up my world, the more I really wanted to define it. I wanted a title that fit whatever "this out of balance feeling and state of being" is to me.
As I shared this struggle with a friend, she remarked, "well once you name it then you can take the steps to fix it. You know, all addicts go through this!" Great. Maybe, she is right...so, let me give you what I have so far:
- Burning the Candle at Both Ends - My mother was not the founder of this expression but frequently said it to me with concern for the pace that I was keeping. I remember hearing it most often in my early to mid 20's. This was, of course, a time that I was convinced that I had untapped reservoirs of energy. Who needed rest? If only I could have banked some of that sleep from my teen years...then, I'd at least be able to stay awake when Jayden reads to me after school! The imagery of a candle burning at both ends seems appropriate at times. These are the times when I feel especially urgent to get things done by a deadline and time is flickering out like a candle without wax. But, the imagery negates any opportunity for me to have more wax...and, if the candle really burns out, then what?
- Paced for a Sprint...But Running a Marathon - This one hit home for me during Brian's last deployment. We received a phone call 2 months before the guys were supposed to come home informing us that the mission was going to be extended by at least another 6 months if not longer. My world crumbled. I didn't realize how much of my energies had been used depending on "reinforcements" to arrive at a certain time. I didn't think I had enough in me to make it the extra mile let alone adding another marathon to the 18+ months we had already ran. Frequently, I feel that I am still running at this sprint-paced speed with the expectation that a watering station is just around the bend. After rounding the bend, there is only another hill to climb and a finish line that is still miles away. We get through a week filled with sports, church, work obligations, school commitments and volunteering responsibilities praying that the following week will be calmer and slower-paced only to turn the calendar and find that the new week is even more crazy. Clearly, the pace isn't maintainable, but what do you cut out? What do you define as excess or unimportant? And, how do you add in the important that frequently gets cut out because of the immediate?
- Tackle the Mountain and Worry about the Landscape Latter - I have a friend that loves her mountains. She can tackle a ton of work in a short period of time by simply viewing the newest project, opportunity or commitment as a mountain that needs to be climbed. And, she does it beautifully. However, whenever I have tackled a mountain with the sole focus of completing a given task to completion, I find that at the end I have a grumpy, attention-seeking family and many missed deadlines. Recently, I decided to paint Jayden's bedroom. The painting, decorating and cleaning of his room was my sole focus for 2 days. At the end, Jayden's room looked fantastic! The house, children and my other "projects" were a disaster. As I look around at the landscape following my mountain-removal (Jayden's bedroom), there was more mess and disorganization than I could stomach. How do you tackle a mountain while not loosing ground on the mini-mountains that you have already started to climb?
So...for now, I guess life is just a bit wonky...sigh.
