Did I Get The Wrong Number?

For almost 3 years now, I have felt that our family is missing someone or someones. I'm sure that there are those who think 4 kids are plenty...and they are in many ways. But, I still feel that there is plenty of love in our hearts for more children. Someone is missing...

Brian and I have talked about it. We've prayed about it. And, we've done our research. With four loving kiddos at home, we didn't feel that we could pursue foster care or adopting "hard-to-place" children. I went to information meetings and researched on-line. And, after even more prayer and lots of discussion, we felt that our best solution was to have my tubal ligation reversed this past January.

The procedure went smooth and the surgeon was very optimistic. I really thought this was an opportunity to fill the void that I felt in my heart and in our home. But, 8 months later, we are still not pregnant and I'm beginning to wonder if I misunderstood God's will in all of this.

With each passing month, I find myself going through tons of "self-talk" like:

• This will happen in God's time...be patient, Tobi. Have faith!
• Delight in the 4 beautiful children that God has blessed your life...and, be ready for whatever or whoever comes your way.

I also am haunted by the idea that maybe in all my prayers I didn't stop to actually listen. For them that know me, this won't be a surprise...but, I am better at talking than I am at listening. I know that this wouldn't be the first time that God's will was clear and I simply choose to ignore Him.

So...now what? If I did get the wrong number when lifting up my prayers...and, I misunderstood the message that I wanted to hear with what was/is God's will, then I need to "let go" and be alright with no pregnancy and new Roesler baby. And, it probably would be very healthy for me to "let go" of the idea that I really have any control of this situation at all. All of the urine tests these days to determine fertility and pregnancy really can lead to the false sense of control.

At this point, I know that I will continue to pray...pray for God's will. And, pray that I will listen to HIS will verses MINE. But, I also need to let go of the theory that I can control any of this...miracles remain miracles for a reason. I also need to simply live in this moment and at this time with my 4 beautiful children. God has a plan...and, I need to remember that I am along for the ride...